Dear Friends, I don't hate you.In-fact, I don't hate anyone, as I think hate is a useless emotion. I don't love you either. Because, I have no idea what is love.
Then, I wonder, Why am I warning you?
Friends, Stop reading right here.You may not like what you are gonna read. Especially, some of those friends who think of themselves as beautiful, and those who strongly believes in the moral order of the mainstream society, and those whose experiences are that of the sanitized version of reality either through censored- movies or censored- books or via censored- experience.
Every moment of our life people tell us what to look and what to experience. Our life became a huge censor cut -- not appropriate at any age, any time, or epoch.If for a moment if we assume that we are our experiences, then let me tell you this, We are fake. We experience what the collective society wants us to experience.What we experience is not life but a day time television family serial. Life does not happen in the society. Whatever we experienced is not authentic. Life happens only on the edges of the society.
I know that for a fact, because I went there.
You see, the society is like a hologram, and the mainstream is an illusion. But, the information to create that illusion is created by the people on the edges.
Mainstream is static, the edges are dynamic.
So, start reading from here only if are ready to face the edges.
I warn you.
In the heart of darkness, behind the bushes, invisible to any human, I waited. I waited for 1...2...3 hours. The rain stopped, moon shined, and the crickets and frogs started their noise business. The hut was in my view, lighted by a kerosene lamp, with the beggar laying on the bed staring at the top of the hut.
Then, just for couples of seconds, there was silence. No sound at all. Then, as if it was a cue, and as if he was in a trance, he got up from the bed, came out of the hut and started walking towards the north direction. I followed him.
Instead of taking the road, he walked through the fields, and he walked, walked, and walked, for close to 5 kms, and I followed him. Now, the area we were walking looked like barren land, and full of soil. Then, suddenly, he started running, and ran I after him.
I ran for a furlong, and then slipped and fell down. When I got up, I noticed that I was at the edge of a small hillock over-looking I didnt know what. I took a couple of steps, and there it was, the Godavari river in all its glory. It was huge.
One wrong step there, I would have dived down 30 feet below in to the river Godavari.
I stood there on the edge, with the humongous moonlit river before me. It was the most beautiful and scary thing I have ever seen.
"So, you suffered enough?". It was the beggar. I nodded in agreement.
"I don't think so", he replied, "But, I will let you come with me, with one condition. You should obey me without asking any questions". I nodded again.
A small boat was waiting for us down below. As we approached the boat, he whispered to me, "That thing on your wrist is your pass, and only it will save you tonight".
There were two people on the boat, and one of them asked him, "Who is this?"
"one of us", he replied.
The boat sailed for close to one hour downstream, and I noticed the stream getting faster, and I was able to hear some noise resembling some drums.
We stopped at an island, and I was able to see many huts with their twinkling kerosene lamps.
We entered a large hut lighted as sublimely as possible as if to say that light is not their best friend. Groups of hooded people covered from head to toe sat before a stage. The central part of the stage was illuminated by a top light. We sat in the middle of the crowd, and the beggar whispered to me, " What ever you see, don't say anything.Just don't say anything.Promise me".
"Promise", I promised. Why would I say anything?
Without any announcement of any-kind, a hooded figure came on to the stage. Because of the top light his face was invisible, almost looked like those of image of death in western movies.
"Comrades, lets start the game of suffering", and left the stage, and the lights were out.
I was able to hear some noises on the stage as if people were arranging things. 10 tense minutes went by.
The same person (I hope so) on the stage, but this time, something like a huge box fully covered by a black cloth was behind him.
"Comrades, I just came to know that today in our presence there is a special guest for whom we were waiting for many years. He is one of ours. No harm must be done to him", he announced.
I heard a whoosh of murmur and it die as fast as it came.
He then dramatically looked at the audience and pulled away the cloth covering the box. It was a cage with a naked women inside. Looked like she was sleeping, and her back was in view to the audience. She looked almost like a model, perfect shapes and size, and a light-brown skin tone.
Probably a skit, I thought. May be it was a wish. I really hoped that she was acting. I really fucking hoped. Because,
A new character entered the stage, and a terror passed threw my spine and I shivered. Does this nightmare ever stop?
A huge, ugliest Armadillo walked onto the stage. It was twice the size of the armadillo I had seen on the Ataka. It opened the cage all by itself with a flick of its tongue and walked into the cage.
Its a skit, right?
It looked at the audience for a couple of seconds just like a magician looking at the audience before his act. It then brought its face near to the woman's and started licking her which woke her up. Then, started screaming. A scream of horror which I had never heard in my life ...either in real or in movies. It was definitely not acting. It was a reality play, and it was happening right before my eyes.
She screamed and screamed, running away from the monster armadillo towards the edge of the cage. She screamed for a minute, and then collapsed.Her nerves couldn't handle any of it. The monster just sat there at the center like a pet dog looking at the audience. A kind of encouraging murmur whooshed through the crowd.
Lights off. The central part of the stage was lit again, and the speaker started his speech.
"Comrades, What is suffering? Why do we suffer? More importantly why do we suffer with the knowledge that there is no end for our suffering? Usually for people, when they suffer, a hope that their suffering is not going to be forever, balms their pain. But, there is no such kind of balm for our pain. Then, why do we suffer? The answer : We suffer because we carry the sins of the every organism. We literally carry the sin of the bacteria inhabiting in our body, slowly eating away our skin, our body parts; but have no fear, it can never reach our heart, the only organ which defines us.If at all there is something as free will, and if at all humans acted as if they are in control of their actions, then we wouldn't be sitting here. Our paths met and our destinies intertwined because of only one reason : Mainstream society's will to survive, and making us outcasts by defining ugly, beauty, and fearsome. Isn't the bacteria killing us just to survive? In that sense, whats the difference between the society and the bacteria inhabiting us. Then why is sin applicable only to humans? Because humans think that the are in control, and that arrogance which they are not in control of makes them think that they are in control of all the organisms in the planet. "
"Our father, the God we believe in, never gave any special status to humans. Every human is like an ant. If we see this society from upstairs what we see is an ant colony.No difference."
"Our God is a leper, and will forever be until life exists.In the beginning God created energy and matter in his own image, and said let there be chaos; that was how this universe formed. All was well; God glided through one planet to planet, to stars and to galaxies. He loved it. He loved the silence. Then why did god create the universe if he loves silence? To feel his own existence. But the chaos created a desire in the inanimate, a desire to see copies of themselves, and that's how life formed. There is only one sin : Desire. God suffers, and as a servant to the God, we too suffer because of the sin of Desire."
As if that was a cue, the lights were turned off, and moment later turned on again.
Armadillo at the center of the stage, and a beautiful scared shitness, naked woman sitting at the edge of the cage as if to go away as far as from the Armadillo. She was shaking, crying, and started shouting.. "This is a dream, right? This is nightmare, right? Where are my fans? Where is Mama and Papa? This is just a nightmare. I will soon wake up from it. Just a night mare"
The Armadillo which was sitting at the center of the stage, just like pet dog, started swinging its tail, and opened its mouth to show its teeth as if it was laughing. Then it walked towards the crying model, and started licking her vagina. Within a minute, two things happened in quick succession. One : She vomited, Two: She organsmed. Then, she fainted again.
The speaker started again, "Comrades, I hope you observed the two desires which bought her down. The desire to survive and the desire to procreate. There is one of more desire in her which sealed her fate -- her vanity -- her desire to attract. That's why we selected her.She is the vainest woman in the whole country".
Next episode : The armadillo sat on her and started fucking her with her tail. Blood started oozing out of her vagina, and it was difficult to find out if she was shouting orgasmically or shouting in pain.
I couldn't hold it anymore, and I shouted, " STOP IT".
The armadillo stopped its fucking, and sat there on its tail obediently. The girl was in shock..and was convulsing, and soon became unconscious.
The speaker replied, " As I expected..You didn't suffer enough"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Suffering brings you to truth. Suffering, is, the, truth", he proclaimed.
"let me ask you this", he continued, " given a choice between knowing about your mother or saving this woman, which one do you choose?"
"That is ridiculous", I replied angrily.
"Ridiculous? I am not asking a hypothetical question. Its a real question, and you have to choose either one of them. If you choose to save this woman, You would never know about your mother".
I stood there for a minute feeling all the guilt in the world because I knew what I was going to choose.
"The last hut on left", he finally revealed, and said, " No one follow him".
I slowly walked out of the hut as hooded figures watched me with curiosity. The anxiety built up in me. This is it. This is the moment I am waiting for. After all the drama, finally, it is just a walk. A walk to the last house on the left.
I saw him, the midget, guarding the hut, the same midget I had seen on that night in the moonlit backyard of dad's house. That meant only one thing -- my mother came to see me.She was right there watching me. That meant she was okay, that meant she remembered me.
The midget did not stop me. It would have been a huge mistake if he stopped me. I walked into the hut. A small figure was sleeping on a small bed with shadows dancing around from the light of the kerosene lamp.
"She is sleeping". Some one whispered. "She is dying".Some one said.
I slowly removed the white hood covering half her face. No, She was not my mother. It was a woman with no nose, lips eaten away revealing her teeth, and with skin..god knows what happened to it. The smell was horrible. Then she opened her eyes and I recognized them -- It was my mother's eyes.She was my mother.
I sat on the bed taking her hand in my hand. No fingers left in that hand.
I looked into her eyes, and they revealed me the whole story -- A story of a mother waiting for her son. A story of a mother who went through hell, and continued to go through it, staring at the wall all alone..all alone. What did she do to deserve that?
What did the nurse do to deserve the things I had done to her? But, I was not in control of myself. Then again, were the situations which led my mother to this moment, were in control of anyone?
I began to see the truth in lepers theory of the universe. I am not in control of myself because of the desire, but I am a product of desire. Life is not supposed to happen, but it happened, and God is suffering because of it. But, the fact of the matter is -- God is a victim of his own desire -- his desire to feel his own existence. What a vain God.... this leper God.
How do we measure suffering? How many types of sufferings are there? Do we have a spectrum of sufferings?
In the spectrum of sufferings, I believe, Leprosy is on the extreme end -- the extreme suffering -- A physical and emotional hell, slow death, stigma,untouchable, unseeable, unthinkable.When I use words like stigma, it may appear as if I am appealing for the mainstream societies help. Fuck that.
Hasn't this society defined words like beauty? Hasn't this system created concepts like 'fame' and made everyone crave for it? Hasn't this system made everyone crave for acceptance?
But, is the world of societies and cultures, in control of itself?
Everyone of us, every organism in this universe, is a machine controlled by desire, and that desire is same -- a desire to survive -- a desire which started life on this planet.
I wanted to sleep in my mothers lap, or may be just wanted to touch her feet. I slowly pulled up the blanket she was covered in ..I couldn't find them..I pulled up further..still nothing..I pulled up futhur..and there I found it....that she was just a half woman -- she was just a slab of meat -- like a chicken on the butchers table with its skin pealed off (skinless) with no thighs..but wings still flapping involuntarily, a sight which makes you want to take a knife and stab it till stops its movement, a kind of movement, a kind of instinct which is more horrible than death.
I looked into her eyes. They were content, and full of satisfaction, and happiness. Is it because of me, or is it because she found the truth?
Then I broke down, and started sobbing, " Ma, whats the truth?"
I felt down in a swoop beside her, putting my arm across her torso, and sobbing like a kid, burying my head on the pillow and her ribs.
Then her hand touched and consoled me, in the same way a mother consoles her infant. I didn't know what happened...A film of my life ran backwards in superfast...adult, teenager, kid, infant, single-celled...and then....silence..complete silence...in the darkness.
A silence which is not silent because of the lack of sound...a darkness which is not dark because of lack of light...but because of solitude...a silence and darkness which defines themselves....and they was no static, no murmur, no background light..nothing. Nothingness!
In essence, I reached a moment where there is no desire. There is no thought. There is no image. There is no sound. The silence and the darkness are just words to describe that. It is not a feeling either. It is not a glimpse. It is just nothingness...there is no observer and the observed... there is no me....there was no I....complete depersonalization...except a brain which recorded the event..or an illusion..and may be got confused itself because of lack of emotion.
But that moment of nothingness was just a moment, and the film ran back to present tense.
Then, I noticed that I relaxed completely...there was no anxiety..no pain...just peace..calmness..and
tranquility. Then I feel into deep sleep, and for the first time in my life.. with no bother about whats gonna happen when I wake up...no bother at all....
I woke up to the sound of the drums as if there was a party going on outside. My mother was sleeping peacefully with her hand on me. I gingery came out of the room...and people -- the lepers, were dancing around a fire...and it was difficult to see whats happening, as it was still dark. I walked closer to the fire..and there it was.... the head of the model, and beside it, the head of the armadillo. I felt nothing.
Then the dawn broke..and the twilight twilighted..and I ran towards it..making sure that no one was between me and that moment of dawn. Somehow, it filled with hope....a practical hope from the truth of nothingness. I came to the edge of the river; looked as if the river had no end. I sat there and started watching the moment of dawn. It was beautiful...and my heart filled with joy... and planets were visible...and then a huge red ball rose from the waters...and filled me with optimism and hope...saying you and me brother, whatever the ultimate truth is....whatever it is..the immediate truth is that whatever happens today..tonight..in the darkest hours..I will rise...and shine. Talk to me brother.
After that orgasmic event....I went back to my mother.
Mom, " There is nothing ultimately....but the sun rises...until the desire goes away...and, with it, the life".
"Ma", I continued, " Do you have any desire?".
She looked into my eyes ...and we made eye contact..and understood each other.
Then I slowly walked towards her, sat beside her, and wrapped my hands around her neck...and started strangling her...
She looked into my eyes....and then..she didn't blink..
She found her silence...in her solitude.
Yes, I killed my mother.
In the beginning..