The video I made...for posterity sake

I made this video loong time back and represents my state of mind at that time.I was also trying to demonstrate that all you need is an idea, internet search engine and a free video editor..to create any video. Finally, its the idea that all matters.

Sound is bad..keep the volume full up while watching it.

The song is 'sabotage' by beastie boys.

My darling borderline: Borderline women, Rashomon and Me.

Yes, I am upset. I am upset because:

Nobody told me about borderline personality disorder.
People focus a lot about physical health than mental health.
Even after all the development in psychiatry, india is still in the dark ages regarding this very important field.
An appointment with a psychiatrist is tantamount to 'going mental'.
Because I am upset about something which I am not supposed to be upset about.


Borderline Personality disorder: The hallmark of BPD is instability in relationships. Did you ever noticed a woman going through relationships, divorces and affairs as if she is in a Olympics running race? That woman most probably suffer from some of Cluster B personality disorders..namely histrionic personality disorder or Borderline personality disorder.
I want to talk about borderline personality disorder (especially high functioning borderlines), because I have lot of sympathy for people suffering from it.

The DSMV criteria for BPD are all over the internet. You can google them if you want and then come back here. I would like to give a more intimate, personal and different perspective here.

[ I believe sharon stones character in casino has some borderline qualities..so tried to make a clip, but was soo enamored by robert de niro and his voice, I put all his scenes in the clip..I am sure, this will be one of the worst clips ever made..so, will just give the link here..instead of spoiling this important blog post ]



Rashomon : Rashomon is an old japanese story which talks about truth. Basically, what it says is that, there may not be truth. An event can have different versions of the truth and you accept the truth which is most comfortable to you.This is also what I think. According to me, if human beings cease to exist..then it means the whole universe cease to exist. Because for something to exist, there need to be an observation or measurement. How can it be possible if the observer is absent or even if the observer is present, how reliable is the observer and how much can the observation itself can change the event.I want to use the story of Rashomon, giving different views about borderline woman and borderline personality disorder.




View from non-BPD:

When you first meet a borderline woman, the first thing you may notice is her smile. There is a certain quality in her smile which is designed to attract strangers. When you start talking to her, you will realize that she is in a severe life crisis, her tears will convince you how much she suffered in her previous relationships and you feel that it is your duty to rescue her. You begin to start taking care of her emotions, giving comfort to her and wiping her tears .You are like lullaby when she goes to sleep.You may also help her with her finances or solve some of her problems. Once you did that, you become to her the knight in shining armor." Knight in the shining armor" is the word that will be used again and again, when it comes to BPD.

Once you become her knight, she starts idealizing you.You will be the perfect person for her.Infact, you will become her god.she begins to start calling 20 times a day, telling you how much she likes you.Basically, she puts you on pedestral.For you, this is all something new. You have never met a woman who likes you that much.Never met a woman who just ignored all your defects and likes you for what you are.You choose to ignore all the red flags - her previous relationships,the instant connection, the speed of intimacy. You choose to ignore everything because, you are in denial of your own defects.She may sleep with you within a few days. Sometimes, she may even cry after sex, saying that nobody gave that kind of pleasure to her before.Imagine what it does to you. Its like a B12 shot to your ego.

If somehow, if you are not comfortable with the speed this relationship is developing and pullback, then you become her obsession. The more you pull back the more obsessed she becomes. If you forgot to call her even for a day, she cries uncontrollably and says that she thought of committing suicide. You are the hero of this movie..right? Have you ever heard a movie in which the hero leaves a poor suffering girl..left to die?


Bang! Starts the relationship. or god forbid, you marry her. Its like the starting of a rajnikanth movie. The perfect beginning..for both of you.Her mirroring of you started long before..even before the start of the relationship.Mirroring is nothing but reflecting your positives qualities or qualities you like. For example, if you like chicken biryani then she loooooves chicken biryani.If you like hitler then she too likes him.I mean hitler as in Hitler! You always dreamed of a woman like that and now, its your dream coming true. You actually go to her and say, "I cant believe this is happening". If any one says that during the starting of a relationship, even if the people involved are 'normal', then I think it must be taken as a huge red flag for the relationship.

she says something like, " I just need a man, any man,I want to keep at home and love him. I will do anything for him.I will work for him,feed him and just dedicate my life for him". Whenever a borderline says, I love you, it means 'please say I love you'. Basically what a borderline is saying is, " I just need a man to be kept in my golden cage. I will give him whatever he wants so that he can love me. I dont want him to leave me..so I will lock him in my golden cage".A borderline dream is something along the lines of you and her getting stranded in an island forever, just like tom hanks in castaway.

Infact, that whats she does to you. I am not saying that all borderlines act in the same way...but the underlying subtext is all the same. That is control.They want to be in full control of relationship.

" They will work for you, sometimes 2 to 3 jobs a day, to feed you and keep you happy.You will think of her as 'super woman', because you havent seen any woman in your life who has the ability to work soo hard. You delude yourself into thinking that your love gave her such energy. You protest, asking her to stop working and ask her to let you go and find a job. She breakdowns, especially if your job demands travel.She sometimes come back from her work to check on you if you are still there or not. Whenever she comes back to check on you, you hug her with tears in your eyes and assure her that you will never leave her".

As the relationship progresses, you will start noticing her rage.When she throws away her laptop 10 feet away or when she scratches you till you bleed or when she hits you with anything she can get hold off, you will be surprised how such a weak women have soo much energy and rage.
This is the stage where they start devaluing you.Every idealization ends in devaluation. whats the reason? God knows!.But, according to them, the trigger is always you. Whenever you both fight, it will always be you who will apologize. You will soon find that a rational discussion is impossible with her. You feel as if you are talking to a kid..not even a kid..more like a baby. Your discussion always seems like a fight to her, because for her an ideal love transcends all the discussions. She breaks down and cries like a baby and you got to apologize. But the makeup sex will always be fantastic.


You are no saint either. You too did some stuff which hurt her. May be you said something that pierced her heart and made her cry. Shit happens in relationships. But when the issue is resolved, it important that it is resolved forever. But, a borderline when you hurt her (or when she thinks you hurt her), she keeps a black book of all the littlest of things you have done to her and she is gonna throw that black book at you whenever a new issue comes up.


You may feel as if all your dreams are crashing down.It depends on lot of factors. One of which is, whether she is a high-functioning borderline or a low functioning borderline. A high-functioning borderline, rages very few times, but internalizes her pain. So, you would still think that the relationship is goin perfect. All the hiccups of the new relationship have been smoothened out and you are now looking forward for the future.

Then, when you are thinking that everything is goin fine,she drops the bomb. That she met a new guy a week back and that he is talking care of her soo much...a lot better than you.In this confusion, you wont even notice how cruelly she is behaving.Anyway, she leaves you for a new guy, within a few days without giving one goddamn reason or closure.
I know,this story was brought to abrupt ending, because, thats how a borderline ends relationship. Very abruptly.

You want to call her 'slut', dont you?
But, knowledge is power and lets see whats happening on borderlines mind.




View from BPD :


Have you ever got lost in a market or in a big city as a kid?
What did you think when you realized you got lost? When I was a kid,
I once went to a cricket stadium and got lost among thousands of spectators. It was the scariest day of my life. My thought process was something like this..." what if my parents couldn’t find me? may be some criminal people will catch and me and sell away..and make me beg on roads..where can I stay where can I live..etc..etc..". Basically what I did was to take the situation to conclusion. I cried and got angry with my parents and all. What caused all this anxiety is the abandonment (real or IMAGINED) of me by my parents. Now multiply that abandonment anxiety by 100 times and you will be get the borderlines abandonment anxiety.
Now, the thing with borderlines abandonment is that, it can triggered by smallest of reasons. Like if you forgot to call her, or u are talking to your mother every day, or u have a very close friend you are spending time with...it could be anything.Borderlines are extremely jealous, and this can trigger their abandonment anxiety.

Borderlines lack a sense of who they are. If you read my blog post

Who am I?, you would know that I was asking the question," what makes you a living person". Its the consciousness "I" and sense of self, thats what make you a living person. If you dont have that consciouness, you are the same as any dead person.Borderlines have a very weak self.

Its like they are on the borderline of life and death..not physically, but conciously. When the abandonment anxiety hits them,its as if they are dying. Their impulsivity arises from that situation.Lets go back to the previous scenerio.Okay, I got lost in the stadium and my anxiety hit me..and I was on the verge of death. Now, What if I severe all my connections with my parents and go to the nearest couple I saw in the stadium and beg them to be my parents. I would do all the gimmicks to attract them. If they accept me, then all my abandonment anxiety would vanish and I would be safe again. This is what exactly happens with borderlines when they are in a relationship with a person.

The above is possible with borderlines because they have shallow emotions.Shallow emotions lack depth but they are very intense. Remember, when you were a kid and when your parents bought you a new toy.You would take care of the toy, 'love it', felt jealous of your siblings who were playing with it and all. You hide it at a secret place and take care of it a lot. In effect, the toy became your best friend and you lived in your own private world where you were the queen.You were having a relationship with that toy. But, how many days would that 'love' for the toy remain? Then after a few days you got a new toy and new love affair with the new toy started.You lost interest in your old toy and would even give it away to one of your friends. Your emotional attachment with that old today is nil.Nothing. Thats how borderlines behave with their partners. Because, borderlines are EMOTIONALLY 2 YEAR OLDS.Their emotional growth was stunted at that age. They are emotionally handicapped.The resons? Mostly it is genetic. I strongly believe if a woman is bordeline..you might notice that her mother has borderline qualities too.Imagine meeting a 55 year old woman who behaves like a 15 yr old.SCARY!


If I make a movie called "Normal Human Being" (I am pretty sure there is nothing as normal human being), the tag line would be like 'in the pursuit of happiness' and if I make a movie called "Borderline", the tag would be 'in the pursuit of survival'. Because, whatever borderlines do is for their survival. When you are on fire, what would your thinking be? You would do anything to put out that fire. You wouldnt be thinking about hungry kids in africa. Your empathy would be zero at that moment. The same with borderlines. They are soo invovlved in their own pain, that they have no time or energy to think about anyone else. Thats why people think that they have no empathy.Infact, you can safely assume that they dont have empathy.But, at times you would see some great empathetic feelings in her, which makes you wonder that perhaps she might have mutilple personalities in her.


As I told you, borderlines lack sense of self.They even question themselves if they actually exist or not. They cut themselves, burn themselves to feel the physical pain..so that can numb the emptiness and the emotional pain they are feeling. The blood gives the feeling that they are infact alive.To numb their feelings of emptiness, they use alcohol,pills,sex...and they abuse them to an extent that they will be hosipitalised many times during their life. Most of the times, the culture dictates how borderlines solve the problem of emptiness. In india, a woman drinking and taking pills is frowned upon and so they invent new ways to do it. Like hurting themselves,affairs etc. Thats why borderlines in india love to immigrate to western countries..subconsciously..Thats why, you would notice a drastic change in the attitude of some Indian women after they reach the western countries.The dresses they wear, their makeup, their seductiveness, club hopping everything changes..a change beyond the normal influence of new cluture.Dont blame them.Dont even be jealous of them. Their life is literally a living hell. Let them do whatever they want.

Borderlines are rebels with a cause and the cause is their survival. They always say, " I dont follow rules.I wont care a damn what people think of me". They won’t say that with pride or arrogance or with a smile, they say that trying to stop those two tear drops falling. Borderlines who are ignorant of their disroder will always say, “I never got what I wanted in my life. May be you are the one I wanted.You are soo perfect for me". Borderlines always are on lookout for a perfect love..an ideal love.They will be on look out for that ideal love all their lives. Because, they believe that only ideal love can cure their pain. Thats why they want to think of you as perfect person.But a small mistake from you, and they will unseat you from that god position. After that, whatever you do doesn’t matter. They are like a bottomless well. No matter how much love you give, it will not be sufficient.

Borderlines have PHD's in seduction. No woman, I repeat, no woman can compete with them in the game of seduction. They are soo good in it because, they have practiced it all their life. It is their survival mechanism. Without it, how can they attract men,from whom they can suck
Identity? Borderlines like married men, as these men have the semblance of stability in their lives. If you let a borderline in your house, you better keep an eye on your husband. Lot of families were destroyed because of the seductive nature of the borderlines. I am really sorry to say this.Borderlines are also called as emotional vampires, as they suck your emotions by constant drama.Its as if they are only comfortable with pain. Just when you think that things are cooling down..there you go..one more controversy..one more situation..where you need to solve and rescue her.


Even if the borderline comes to know about her disorder..she may not change much. she will say, " I know what I am doing is not right. But I JUST CANT HELP IT".I believe that is a good thing, that they can see their actions in a different perspective, instead of hiding under the feminist philosophy. Knowledge is power, and it applies to borderlines as well. Change will come, but it will be slow.


My view :

No. I was not involved with a bordeline in a romantic relationship (My darling borderline is a copy of the movie title My darling Clementine).But, I was a borderline magnet.Borderlines look at me and then think of mutton curry. The perfect bakra.May be because I am dominant as well as irresponsibly compassionate and loyal..a rare combination..;). Or May be they like my intensity. No idea.I review movies in my own stupid but intense way. This post is a review of a life in the genre of psychology, in my own stupid but intense way.So, it will always be subjective. So, please do your own independent research regarding this disorder if you want to know more.

What? You never saw a woman who behaves like this? Borderlines dont come with a tag. They are just like every other woman. The thing with borderlines is that, their life is a BIG SECRET, a secret only known to her lovers and herself. Yes, borderlines 'tell all' to their boyfriends.Infact, that is one of their attractions. If you are a friend to a woman, and if you think like, " How can such a beautiful and charming girl has soo many crises in her life?"...Dude..you are looking at a borderline.


Yes. Labeling any person a borderline is wrong.Because it is not something you see on shelves in super market with labels like 'cottage cheese' and '2% milk'....human mind cannot be labeled in that way.It is not even a spectrum if you ask me..like you cannot say...the blue starts here..and the red stars here. I think human mind is more like a spectrum which is linked onto itself in mutiple dimensions.So, labelling is wrong thing to do..but could be life saving for some men.

Every person has borderline qualities..EVERY ONE OF US. The only difference is the intensity and longevity. If a woman is needy and clingy on that day,it does not mean that she has this disorder. She must have symptoms of disorder all have adult life. One of the biggest symptoms is her mutiple relationships with men and also number of never ending crises in her life. Anyway, thats what I think.I could be wrong.

Borderlines are very creative women. Trust me on this one.Some women could reach some really great heights of fame and adulation. But, it doesn’t mean shit. Their personal life will always be in a perpetual mess. They create jealousy among their previous lovers and somehow revel in that. Now, I am doing the biggest sin of labeling a person as borderline. I could be completely wrong on this..so please don’t quote me on this. I think…actresses aiswarya rai and nayanatara suffers from this disorder.Only time will tell.jeez..i cant keep secrets ;).

Why am I taking soo much interest on this topic? Because, in the end, lot (10%.Most of them low functioning BPD's) of borderlines commit suicide. They dread old age, where they lose their beauty and attraction and they become more depressed and more dependent. The most scary part is -- A borderline makes another borderline.

So, Whats the truth? Borderlines are real human beings with real pain. They spend their whole lives not knowing whats wrong with them. The ignorant society wont help them or even understand them. They live with shame and guilt (sometimes) ..thinking themselves as bad people. But, they cant help it. damn it! There is no point in blaming borderlines for their behavior. If you want to go into relationship with a borderline, you better be ready for a circus ride. If you want to help a borderline, you better not involve emotionally with her. One day, we may all die, from cancer, from heart attack and from accidents and die a horrible death, but that death comes fast. But, borderlines die slow, living in hell and heaven in the same day. I just touched the tip of the iceberg here. There are lot of other borderline mechanisms such as black and white thinking, projection,disassociation etc. Shari schreiber wrote some great articles on this topic, but they are not at all sympathetic. Get your information from lot of other sources. I guess finally, the only truth is that -- Every problem has a solution and every pot has a cover. Thats it.

This song explains the beautiful smile of a borderline :

How to fight loneliness
Smile all the time
Shine you teeth til meaningless
Sharpen them with lies

And whatevers going down
Will follow you around
Thats how you fight loneliness
You laugh at every joke
Drag your blanket blindly
Fill your heart with smoke
And the first thing that you want
Will be the last thing you ever need
Thats how you fight it

Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time

G(M)EMS ---- Le Cercle Rouge (The Red Circle)

Who invented 'cool' in movies? I have to disagree if your answer is

Quentin Tarantino. May be he re-invented it. But, the 'cool' was

already there many years back in B&W hollywood movies and years

later in french gangster movies. The movie I am talking about, the

gem of french gangsta movies, is the movie 'Le cercle rouge',made

in 1970, by one of the great directors of french cinema Jean-Pierre Melville.

Any movie lovers collection must contain atleast 20% of french

movies,and that is a huge number if you ask me. French made

some great movies.But, what attracts me is the variety of movies

they made in the same genre.Even in the gangsta genre, they tackled

it in many variety of ways.Melville tackled it in the 'Cool Gangsta' way.

All his heroes follow a moral code of friendship and loyalty. They

don't talk much. Their actions speaks better than words. They have

no evident fear on their faces.They are ready to give life for

friendship.Enemies always trying to elminate them.Police after

them. Running is their life. Run,Run,Run.Because, if they stop,

then they would always think about the final last heist.

The final act, to settle down and move away from crime.But, it

never ends like that..does it?

The Buddha took a piece of red chalk and drew a circle, saying: "When men, though unaware of it, must meet again someday, they may follow diverging paths to the given day when, ineluctably, they will be reunited within the red circle." -- Rama Krishna

The movie starts with the above quote. Melville completly made up

the quote itseems. I have no idea about the philosophy behind that

quote.But, the characters in the movie seems to follow it in a way.

If you can find some meaning in it, please do tell me..because as

they say, to each his own Buddha,even if it is completely made

up. Some people say that it is a kind of existential gangsta movie.

I have difficulty in accepting that, as I have no idea what

existentialism is, eventhough I have read some of the so-called

existential authors. Hit me up if you can elaborate in a simple english.

What I like about the movie, is the entertainment it gave me. I loved the simplicity of the movie, its like a bare bones kind of stuff,completly opposite to the god father kind of movies.Long takes,empty spaces, minimal dialogues and to the point . I would be absolutely fascinated when a movie shows the character doing all the mundane stuff he does in a day. It some how makes me feel as if the character is a real human being and could able to connect with him. Frankly, if james bond dies in a movie, I wouldnt really care!..because Its impossible to connect with him.The meaning of entertainment differs from person to person and also from time to time .There are people who likes only ADHD inspired action movies.For them, this movie would be very boring.For others, this could be a great movie.God! It exhausts me to write such obvious statements :).

Check this out - Some of the great gangsta movies made in recent

years were very much inspired from this movie. I am sure some

knucklehead somehere is itching to remake this movie.Be aware!

The mother of all RANTS

The sun was shining. The wind was blowing. The waves were

crashing.The same scene and setting every time. I stood at the

shore with my small boat..just like mogli standing on the hill,

looking at eternity.Except, I was staring at the remote island

10 miles away. They said no body reached that island before.

I tried. I tried like 10 times for the last 5 yrs and failed each time.

The wise man in my village, Stephen corvey, always told me that, will to succeed will make you succeed. If you have the will, all the gods come together to help you. I know I have the will to succeed. The fisherman's daughter, I love her.Her smile makes me shiver and her body makes me quiver.Excuse my ryhming her. She deserve poetry. But, she thinks I am a bum. Good for nothing bum. Not working, always dreaming, lazy ass bum.Eventhough, I was the most learned man in the village..she just didnt care. I told her," you stop dreaming only when you die.The carpenter, the fishermen, washermen, toolsmith and the farmer...they are all losers. They are all just like that village idiot.Look at the stars, look at the sky, there are all waiting to be explored. But they, they are just doing the same thing again and again..and feeling content about it. Dont they feel suffocated living in this village".Thats how I reasoned. She thought I was crazy.No, she actually told me that I was crazy. I wanted to prove to her and the world that I was not crazy. To dream is not crazy.

I pushed my boat in to the sea during the high tide. I climbed it and roved towards my dream island. I said to myself," This is the last time. I got the will.I got the strength and all the gods are on my side.More than that, I am also proactive". I started rowing faster and faster. My adrenalin pumping and my thoughts racing. I was half way towards that island. The history books are gonna talk about me one day. The TV channels are gonna interview..I will be on the talk shows...people watching with awe.Sexy woman chase me and I will be living on the top of the world. I didnt even think about the fisherman's daugther. Suddnely, she looked so unappealing.

I was a mile away from the island. Then the shit happend. The boat

sank and I with it.'Mayday...Mayday' I shouted. The carpenter, fisherman, toolsmith and the farmer rescued me ..once again..for the 11th time.I couldnt make eye contact with them. But, they didnt care.They were stoic.They didnt mind rescuing me again and again.

The sea was calm. The moon was shining and the water reflecting..

It was beautiful. I layed down on the beach and stared at the sky and the stars. I dreamed that fishermans daughter coming to me...bringing with her fish curry and rice. I ate with her..and sang a song to her.She smiled. Then I woke up. It was all a dream. Then, Paulo Coelho came. I asked him,

"Who am I? Why am I a loser?".

"You are not a loser. You are a dreamer. You are an explorer".

"Bullshit!"

"No one is a loser. Except the person who hurts others".

"just Shutup!"

"You are an unhappy person. You cant be a farmer or a carpenter".

"Trust me. I am very happy".

"Trust me. You are not."

"Fuck you and your alchemist"

"stop cursing".. and he left.

I like paulo, but he is too spiritual sometimes.

There you go.Once again, I became depressed. The moon looked ugly..with its ugly valleys and all.The thing about depression is that you lose your self-esteem. The huge ocean dosent make you smaller, but your village and the people in it makes you smaller.The fact that you can never marry the fisherman's daughter, makes you smaller. You come to conclusion that there is no hope.But, there is always hope. Hope is like air, it is in abundance..but sometimes, you forget to breath when anxiety and depression gets you.

The good thing about anxiety and depression is that, they will never

be there for long. Never take a decision during your highs or lows, a wiseman smoking weed..said once.I let it slide. Always let it slide. Never fight with the black cloud. It always wants drama. Never grant its wishes.

I woke up the next morning..thats what i thought..but it was afternoon. Everyone was eating their lunches..in the cool shade of the trees..tired from half day work.I felt guilty and pissed off with myself.What motivates these people to get up early on the morning, drink their coffees and go to their boring, ever repeating work? I always thought. May be paulo was right. May be happy people dosent need motivation. But no one is happy in this world. The conundrum. I imagined doing the farming. It brought me tears. First, I have to clean up the soil.wait. then plant the seeds.then wait. wait some more. Then use pesticides.then wait.and then wait for the paddy to grow..OMG..I cant wait. I want them to grow in a week. I cant do this shit. This is a true nightmare.

I walked through the village. I expected people cursin me. But, they just ignored. It pissed me off more. Atleast talk something.

I was not sad or angry, though. The kids are playing on the street...torturing the crab.The crab gave up long time back, but its reflexes are still fighting. I walked past the kids. Then, I saw a deadbody and people crying hysterically around it. I walked past."Bitches, why are u crying? You know he is going to die..nobody promised anything". But, it made me think. I was thinking. Whats the purpose..why we work? to build...to explore...for what?? to die in the end? I then gave up. It is not like the moment of realizatioon they show in the movies..it is not like the moment of buddha..no..its not like that. It was very simple and sudden. I just gave up. Dreams are of no use. Especially, when you dream about being better than every body. Especially, when you dream because you hate other people. What is true and what is false? What is right and what is wrong? I have no idea. But, giving up my dreams made me very happy. As if the burden from my heart has vanished. I am new person now. I ran.

I joined the carpenter as the apprentice. He wanted me to dream about being the best carpenter in the village. I said..no sir...no dreams for me. If I dream, I lose. I was working and making money..and I noticed fisherman's daughter smiling at me. I thought, " A man is only a man when he works and makes money". Nobody loves a bum. Nobody loves a dreamer.You gotta be productive to be part of this society. If not, you are just a leech. Its good to be normal...aint it? Sometimes, lowering your expectations will make all the difference.

I worked up my confidence and self-esteem. Every smile from fisherman's daughter made me feel like the king of the world. Then with that confidence, I thought, may be the will is not everything. There must be something else. May be stephen is missing something. stephen is a wise man..good guy..but no body is perfect.

Everyone makes mistakes.This got me thinking. If the wise man makes mistakes..then whatever he says must be questioned and scrutinzied.What if the problem is not with me? I went to the boat and scrutinized it. It is as plain as daylight. Every boat has a small hole in it ...a very small hole which no one can notice. No one noticed because they didnt venture that far into the sea...duh!

Even, when I drowned, they didnt notice the problem with the boat. I was busy blaming myself for lack of will. People were busy blaming

me...they were saying, may be I should have worked a bit more...

may be I should have steered the boat at 31.5 degrees left to the

wind,may be I should have practiced roving more instead of being a lazy ass..the blame game was pm full force at that time...but blaming never solves the problem. It just forcefully solves equation...an equation of cause and effect..which satisfies every one.Even the dog on the road has an opinion on you.

The dreamer in me came back full force.I met stephen and I said,

"You told me it is all about will and preserverance".

" Actually I talked about being proactive..not will"

" How can i be proactive without the will to be proactive"

"But, you preservered, dint ya?"

"No, I didnt. I gave up.If I didnt give up I would have been drowned like 100 more times".

"May be god helped you..after seeing your will"

"But, why would god help me when I gave up my will?"

"May be he saw the goodness in you...your pure heart..."

"stephen..stephen...listen to me ...I like you. You are a good guy..a wise man..but u are wrong sometimes..and accept that and dont try to hide them behind your god.You are right about the will. But, what is will anyway. Everyone has it. Too much attention to will, will make people judge others. Will became catchall phrase for all the failures. Its as if you are telling that you need to have a strong will to have a strong will.That is fucking circular..if you dont mind.May be the problem is with the boat.Not the will"

" I think in abstracts..not in details.I am sorry".

" Its okay stephen..you did your best".

" You are damn right..i did my best..you asshole"

" What is this? Anti-drama?? you are not supposed to curse me when i say something positive about you"

" oops..sorry.I failed drama class..thats why I write self-help books"

" dont worry. I failed too."

Then, I went and repaired the boat.Not a perfect patch, but enough.

I took it to the sea. I know, this time I can make it. I was about to the push the boat in to the sea, but I stopped. Wait a minute, Why do I want to reach that island? To prove to everyone that I am something?To prove to everyone in the village that I am better than them.?To prove to the carpenter than I am better than him?..the same carpenter who taught me lot of things? Did einstein and newton thought about proving to the world before they thought about physics? I dont think so. I dont need to prove nothing to the world.I dont need to reach the 'TOP'. What is top anyway? It is just a pyramid of people. Self-esteem is the root of this shit. I need to reach a state of enlightnment where nothing else matters. This is my moment of clarity.

Buddha winked at me...and I winked back. I like this dude.

This moment of clarity, is it temporary or permanent? I dont care..but I am in that zone right now. I looked at the sea..there is no sea anymore. All I see is a plain road direct to the island...the island of my dreams. I went to the fisherman's daughter

and hold her hand. She was looking with awe and love. I was surprised.

May be the enlightment made me mysterious...no idea. She was love with me. was I god or what? No words need to be said. Everything was understood and implied.

Holding hands, we walked on the road towards the island.The sun was mysteriously setting behind the island and we walked towards it. I was very happy..but then I realised that I was not happy because of the island, I was happy because of the fisherman's daughter. Man..this love is something. Then I realised that happiness is not somewhere in the mysterious islands..not somewhere in unknown lands..it is all within yourself..its between you and your parter.OMG.. realisations within realisations..I need to carry a paper and pen..next time.I guess my blog works fine. No visas, no green cards, no citizenships, no false prestige..all you need is a girl who understands you.right?

The end. lets go home. The audience paid money to 'feel-good'.But, this is not a movie..this is a rant. It dosent need audience.There will be no end.That is the beauty of the rant. You dont need to care about characters, plot,entertainment, songs, fights,grammer,spelling..nothing. When you strip everything, all you got is something closest to truth or may be insanity. I hope people rant once in a while.

We reached the island by night. The island is okay..better than our village..neat bathrooms and good roads. We made love under the moon..with REM man on the moon playing in the background.weird choice. I agree.

then she started,"Do u really love me?"

"ofcourse"

"You didn't talk about me much in this rant.its all about you..isnt it?"

"because..it is my rant and I am the main character in my rant"

"But if you REALLY love me, you would include me as equal in your rant"

" R we talking about the rant in the rant itself? its self-reference"

"what reference?"

"deja vu"

"what?"

"nothing"

I looked at her, for the first time, in a different light. is this the girl I was in love with? is she dumb? Did I fell for her fish curry?

But, she trusted me..didnt she? She came all over to the new island.

Then I started being coy, " Babe, you need a rave..not a rant".

" you are being coy ", she said.

Thank god.. she is not dumb..I thought.

Then I started to rewrite my rant. But thats ridiculous to do that. Then I realised that I dont know nothing about her. I have no idea what she wants, her desires, her pain, her sadness..nothing.nada.zilch.

I felt very guilty. Enlightment didnt help much. Then I realised whatever partial enlightment I had dosent help much in relationships. Thats why my buddies jesus and buddha renounced relationships. But, I am not them.Dont want to be them.

I moved close to her and looked her in her moon lit eyes and said,

"Baby, Whats your rant?"

* For what its worth,this rant is dedicated to all people who are enjoying their ADHD/ADD.It is also dedicated to all people who at some point suffered anxiety and depression..and which includes 100% of the population.It is also dedicated to people who are fighting for public health care.

Greatest Movies Ever Made Series ---- Rosemary's Baby

What is the greatest horror movie ever made? A controversial

question. Because, horror is a genre in which even non-film

buffs flex their muscles to tell whats the best. Movies like Exorcist,

Texas chain saw massacre, psycho, italian movie suspiria,shining,

evil dead, ringu,latest japanese horror fad etc are thrown into the

ring.So, let me refine the question. What is the greatest horror

movie without gruesome scenes,in your face camera movement

and music,'bowww' moments,'look here I am setting up a scene

where by the end of it you will crapping your pants' and treat the

audience as a complete idiot?.Then, I believe the answer is

rosemary's baby. Does it scares the bejesus out of you..may be

may be not, it depends.

The director is Roman Polanski.As usual with all the great directors,

I cant begin to tell how much I like his movies. let me just say that

he is one among the top 30 directors I admire. Great directors always

leave a signature in their movies. That was the mantra of 60's

french critics,who went on to became great directors like godard and

truffaut.Roman Polanski leaves a signature..you feel it as scene by

scene the movie progresses...His signature,for me, is the 'slow

creeping of the story', its like the slow and steady kick a costly scotch

gives,like a water drop on a chalk.But, at the same time punctuated

with some strange characters with their weird behaviour. Stickler to

details, but no grandiose self-congratulating stuff. Rosemary's baby

is not his best, if you ask me, I would say 'China town' and also 'knife

in the water' and may be, 'Fearless vampire killers'.

Mia farrow and John cassavities are the new couple who

are in search for a new apt and also trying to concieve.Weird

things starts happening after they move to the new apartment,

especially some thing is seriously wrong with their nextdoor

neighbours. One day she gets pregnant.From then onwards,

things starts to become worse..she becomes weak, alone and scared.

She has no idea how she became pregnant and gets this weird idea

that someone is going to steal her baby.No one believes her and no

one helps her.is it real? or is she goin mad?..but the good question to

ask is,'is the baby..really a baby?'..and 'What is in that closet?'

Its Mia farrow all the way.She appears weak, fragile,naive and

emotionally dependent on her husband.At some point in the movie,

all you can do is just feel really bad for her...and I think thats a great

achievement for the actress to make audience feel like that..because

in the end, a movie is always an illusion. Ruth gordon is awesome as

the creepy next door neighbour.Just pray that she is not your neighbour.

The last 30 minutes moves fast and is a great thriller, a movie onto

itself.I just wish a much tighter version..but as they say, never mess

with the director's vision.

This scene comes during the later part of the movie, where she

leaves the apartment in desperate need for help. Mia is really good

in this long scene without a cut.(No idea why the frame moves right..

may be witchcraft :)).

* Lot of great movie experiences were screwed by over-expectations

and by over-enthusiastic reviewers like me. Just sayin.

Who am I?

I asked this many times myself. I am sure many of you asked
this question yourselves. I remember Jakie Chan asking the same
question. This is a very important question.

Because this is the question that separated us from the so-called
animals.The 'I' part of the question is what gives us humans a
special meaning. The 'I' is the consciousness, the belief that we
exist in this world. It is the self-reference. It is a program which
can program itself.

Then, really, who am I?

Orgasm. The most pleasurable, overwhelming 5 seconds of
anyone's life is the orgasm. Why is this simple climax of copulation
extremely pleasurable..unlike the pleasure of food and sleep?

The reason is simple. The whole existence of you, and reason for
evolution, the reason why man became powerful -- is for the
propagation of genes. We are just machines in which genes reside.
They are the one which drives us to do things, so that they can
propagate and survive.Once you have done enough of their
propagation..you are done buddy.You can die. There is a
theory that if the humans somehow stop having kids before
the age of 40, then most probably the life span is gonna increase.

There you go my friend.Each and every act of yours is defined by
chemicals released in brain. The reason why you get hungry, sleep,
desire,anger,love, menopause and each and every goddamn emotion
....everything is because of the chemicals in the brain.
What mechanism releases these chemicals? The mechanism
created by genes.

Why a mother love her child? Chemicals released in mother's
brain makes her love her child. The act of nursing makes a mother
happy. I ask again, What makes the mother love her child? Because,
it has been discovered by trail and error, by evolution,
that if the mother does not take care of the child, the child may
die and thus stop the propagation of genes.

Lets take the case of child birth. How uncomfortable it is to
have a new person in a woman's body for 9 months...not to
mention the pain during the delivery. Sometimes, the delivery
itself is dangerous to the mother's health. In spite of knowing all
these, the women go thru all the steps of getting a child...no matter
what. Their life becomes soo unfulfilled without a child. Not only
that,the funny thing is, the gender who carries the burden of
child birth, is always made physically inferior to the opposite gender.
Genetic genius or what!

Its simple, we are just voluntary slaves for the master. We work hard
for the master the whole day..and in return the master gives us a
gram of cocaine in the night. Thats what we crave for...thats what
we live for. We are all chemical addicts each and every second of the day.


Imagine this scenario. A group of different single cellular organisms
come together, forming a symbiotic relationship, to give the shape
of human being. They use this human being to protect themselves
and propagate.This could be a crack pot theory until we replace those
organisms with genes.

You may say that human genes and humans are all the same and they
are working towards a common goal. I think that is true only when it
is applied to animals. Since, humans gained consciousness,the goals
of the genes and goals of "I" may be completely different.Genes are
ruthless.They are competitive.They will do anything for their
propagation.They do not have empathy.But, humans have empathy..
don't they?You may say genes created empathy, but empathy is a
learned behavior.I am very convinced that the first piece of empathy
came from human consciousness.

Thats where the clash comes between human consciousness
and genes.Empathy.

So, who am I? I am not my legs, not my eyes..and not my body
or even my brain.

"I" am vamsee, the consciousness.

unfortunately, "I" does not exist with out the body.
So, I just got to accept the cruel fact and get along with this shit.

So, next time you have an orgasm, thank the genes for giving a bone
to the dog and keeping it happy.


How to define self?
Can self be defined outside the purview of chemicals?
Can we measure it and capture it?
hippie movement in 60's has anything to do with it?
How to discover that self?? (lol..as if I know)
I am asking the above questions myself..
debate would be fine.

* Just sharing my thoughts..

Greatest Movies Ever Made Series ---- Sweet Smell of Success

Sweet Smell of Success.

















Why do certain movies effect you in a profound way?
Why do certain movies age to become great and some others stale?
Can you put a finger on it and tell..this is what I like?


Even though, dialogues,story and acting, comes to my mind when
I think about this or any movie, I don't think they are the
only reasons.A great movie comes from the perfect storm
of situations,but, then again,I would also argue that a movie
is a very much a personal vision of the director.Both are true.

In the case of Sweet Smell of Success, I believe it is the perfect
storm.A unique story, a unique setting, sharp dialogues,
Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis,lack of big budget. Sometimes,
low budget movies gotta be creative to avoid the costs of
cranes and big studio sets.

JJ Hunsecker (Burt Lancaster) is the hot shot news paper column
writer who can make or break any man's life.
Sidney Falco (Tony curtis) is the psychopant whose bread
earner is the gossip he provides to the JJ's column.

Now, both the men has no morals, no shame, no guilt or any other
things which makes them good human beings. They could be suave,
romantic or even sympathetic, but they don't "feel" them, they just
express these learned emotions to conquer their object of desire.
Their only object of desire is Success,in terms of power and money.
The only emotion they feel for is the "Sweet Smell of Success".

I have met some men like these in real and for me, they are
really boring.For others,they are the charmers,romantic heroes
and alpha males. Some women love these kind of men, going back
again and again to the same person who abused them.Its as if they
are addicted to the pain.When two people with these kind of
personalities meet, they admire each other, but at the same time
they gotta watch their back, as they know that a hungry snake can
eat another snake.

Now, coming back to the story, JJ wants to break up his little sisters
romance and he wants to use Sydney to help him. Thats it. That is
the story. No heroes, no sex, no glamour...just two people screwing
up other peoples lives to climb up the ladder and fuel their own grandiosity.

JJ : What's this boy got that Susie likes?

SIDNEY : Integrity - acute, like indigestion.

JJ : What does that mean - integrity?

SIDNEY : A pocket fulla firecrackers - looking for a match! It's a new wrinkle to tell the truth... I never thought I'd make a killing on some guy's "integrity".

JJ : Full of beans, ain't you? But you know that you'll stand or fall by what you're doing now...

SIDNEY : Calculated risk. Only we happen to know, J.J., that you like me. I'm your star pupil -- I reflect back to you your own talent.

JJ : I wouldn't like to take a bite of you; you're a cookie full of arsenic.


I cut a scene where JJ is first introduced.This scene is unique
in the way it was shot...either the camera angles or the way it
is edited. Mind you, there are better scenes in the film than this
one.I wish I could create a clip with all the great scenes and dialogues
in the movie to make you interested, but I always thought that the
worst thing to do is to make a trailer better than the movie. I also
wish I could write a better review than this one. But, Roger Ebert
is always there for an alternative.

Did you ever try to change topic during conversation to
avoid embarrassment..?





Other Stuff : The main characters in the movie "Wallstreet" were
heavily inspired from JJ and Sydney.
A character in the movie, "Diner"..likes this movie so much that he
remembers by rote all the dialogues.

Elizabeth shue....

Anyone would fall in love with her in the movie -'Adventures in baby sitting'. Even though, not one of the greats, this movie is totally underrated and one of my guilty pleasures. Some how I got a thing for movies which happens in one night. The crystal's song used here again..

District 9 and Hang over

District 9 : A high energy movie with good concept. The last half kind of dragged and bored me.

Hang over : A true laugh riot. A must watch. Great movie...NO.