Monday, September 21, 2009

The mother of all RANTS

The sun was shining. The wind was blowing. The waves were
crashing.The same scene and setting every time. I stood at the
shore with my small boat..just like mogli standing on the hill,
looking at eternity.Except, I was staring at the remote island
10 miles away. They said no body reached that island before.

I tried. I tried like 10 times for the last 5 yrs and failed each time.
The wise man in my village, Stephen corvey, always told me that, will to succeed will make you succeed. If you have the will, all the gods come together to help you. I know I have the will to succeed. The fisherman's daughter, I love her.Her smile makes me shiver and her body makes me quiver.Excuse my ryhming her. She deserve poetry. But, she thinks I am a bum. Good for nothing bum. Not working, always dreaming, lazy ass bum.Eventhough, I was the most learned man in the village..she just didnt care. I told her," you stop dreaming only when you die.The carpenter, the fishermen, washermen, toolsmith and the farmer...they are all losers. They are all just like that village idiot.Look at the stars, look at the sky, there are all waiting to be explored. But they, they are just doing the same thing again and again..and feeling content about it. Dont they feel suffocated living in this village".Thats how I reasoned. She thought I was crazy.No, she actually told me that I was crazy. I wanted to prove to her and the world that I was not crazy. To dream is not crazy.

I pushed my boat in to the sea during the high tide. I climbed it and roved towards my dream island. I said to myself," This is the last time. I got the will.I got the strength and all the gods are on my side.More than that, I am also proactive". I started rowing faster and faster. My adrenalin pumping and my thoughts racing. I was half way towards that island. The history books are gonna talk about me one day. The TV channels are gonna interview..I will be on the talk shows...people watching with awe.Sexy woman chase me and I will be living on the top of the world. I didnt even think about the fisherman's daugther. Suddnely, she looked so unappealing.
I was a mile away from the island. Then the shit happend. The boat
sank and I with it.'Mayday...Mayday' I shouted. The carpenter, fisherman, toolsmith and the farmer rescued me ..once again..for the 11th time.I couldnt make eye contact with them. But, they didnt care.They were stoic.They didnt mind rescuing me again and again.

The sea was calm. The moon was shining and the water reflecting..
It was beautiful. I layed down on the beach and stared at the sky and the stars. I dreamed that fishermans daughter coming to me...bringing with her fish curry and rice. I ate with her..and sang a song to her.She smiled. Then I woke up. It was all a dream. Then, Paulo Coelho came. I asked him,

"Who am I? Why am I a loser?".
"You are not a loser. You are a dreamer. You are an explorer".
"Bullshit!"
"No one is a loser. Except the person who hurts others".
"just Shutup!"
"You are an unhappy person. You cant be a farmer or a carpenter".
"Trust me. I am very happy".
"Trust me. You are not."
"Fuck you and your alchemist"
"stop cursing".. and he left.
I like paulo, but he is too spiritual sometimes.

There you go.Once again, I became depressed. The moon looked ugly..with its ugly valleys and all.The thing about depression is that you lose your self-esteem. The huge ocean dosent make you smaller, but your village and the people in it makes you smaller.The fact that you can never marry the fisherman's daughter, makes you smaller. You come to conclusion that there is no hope.But, there is always hope. Hope is like air, it is in abundance..but sometimes, you forget to breath when anxiety and depression gets you.

The good thing about anxiety and depression is that, they will never
be there for long. Never take a decision during your highs or lows, a wiseman smoking weed..said once.I let it slide. Always let it slide. Never fight with the black cloud. It always wants drama. Never grant its wishes.

I woke up the next morning..thats what i thought..but it was afternoon. Everyone was eating their lunches..in the cool shade of the trees..tired from half day work.I felt guilty and pissed off with myself.What motivates these people to get up early on the morning, drink their coffees and go to their boring, ever repeating work? I always thought. May be paulo was right. May be happy people dosent need motivation. But no one is happy in this world. The conundrum. I imagined doing the farming. It brought me tears. First, I have to clean up the soil.wait. then plant the seeds.then wait. wait some more. Then use pesticides.then wait.and then wait for the paddy to grow..OMG..I cant wait. I want them to grow in a week. I cant do this shit. This is a true nightmare.

I walked through the village. I expected people cursin me. But, they just ignored. It pissed me off more. Atleast talk something.
I was not sad or angry, though. The kids are playing on the street...torturing the crab.The crab gave up long time back, but its reflexes are still fighting. I walked past the kids. Then, I saw a deadbody and people crying hysterically around it. I walked past."Bitches, why are u crying? You know he is going to die..nobody promised anything". But, it made me think. I was thinking. Whats the purpose..why we work? to build...to explore...for what?? to die in the end? I then gave up. It is not like the moment of realizatioon they show in the movies..it is not like the moment of buddha..no..its not like that. It was very simple and sudden. I just gave up. Dreams are of no use. Especially, when you dream about being better than every body. Especially, when you dream because you hate other people. What is true and what is false? What is right and what is wrong? I have no idea. But, giving up my dreams made me very happy. As if the burden from my heart has vanished. I am new person now. I ran.

I joined the carpenter as the apprentice. He wanted me to dream about being the best carpenter in the village. I said..no sir...no dreams for me. If I dream, I lose. I was working and making money..and I noticed fisherman's daughter smiling at me. I thought, " A man is only a man when he works and makes money". Nobody loves a bum. Nobody loves a dreamer.You gotta be productive to be part of this society. If not, you are just a leech. Its good to be normal...aint it? Sometimes, lowering your expectations will make all the difference.

I worked up my confidence and self-esteem. Every smile from fisherman's daughter made me feel like the king of the world. Then with that confidence, I thought, may be the will is not everything. There must be something else. May be stephen is missing something. stephen is a wise man..good guy..but no body is perfect.
Everyone makes mistakes.This got me thinking. If the wise man makes mistakes..then whatever he says must be questioned and scrutinzied.What if the problem is not with me? I went to the boat and scrutinized it. It is as plain as daylight. Every boat has a small hole in it ...a very small hole which no one can notice. No one noticed because they didnt venture that far into the sea...duh!

Even, when I drowned, they didnt notice the problem with the boat. I was busy blaming myself for lack of will. People were busy blaming
me...they were saying, may be I should have worked a bit more...
may be I should have steered the boat at 31.5 degrees left to the
wind,may be I should have practiced roving more instead of being a lazy ass..the blame game was pm full force at that time...but blaming never solves the problem. It just forcefully solves equation...an equation of cause and effect..which satisfies every one.Even the dog on the road has an opinion on you.

The dreamer in me came back full force.I met stephen and I said,

"You told me it is all about will and preserverance".
" Actually I talked about being proactive..not will"
" How can i be proactive without the will to be proactive"
"But, you preservered, dint ya?"
"No, I didnt. I gave up.If I didnt give up I would have been drowned like 100 more times".
"May be god helped you..after seeing your will"
"But, why would god help me when I gave up my will?"
"May be he saw the goodness in you...your pure heart..."

"stephen..stephen...listen to me ...I like you. You are a good guy..a wise man..but u are wrong sometimes..and accept that and dont try to hide them behind your god.You are right about the will. But, what is will anyway. Everyone has it. Too much attention to will, will make people judge others. Will became catchall phrase for all the failures. Its as if you are telling that you need to have a strong will to have a strong will.That is fucking circular..if you dont mind.May be the problem is with the boat.Not the will"

" I think in abstracts..not in details.I am sorry".
" Its okay stephen..you did your best".
" You are damn right..i did my best..you asshole"
" What is this? Anti-drama?? you are not supposed to curse me when i say something positive about you"
" oops..sorry.I failed drama class..thats why I write self-help books"
" dont worry. I failed too."


Then, I went and repaired the boat.Not a perfect patch, but enough.
I took it to the sea. I know, this time I can make it. I was about to the push the boat in to the sea, but I stopped. Wait a minute, Why do I want to reach that island? To prove to everyone that I am something?To prove to everyone in the village that I am better than them.?To prove to the carpenter than I am better than him?..the same carpenter who taught me lot of things? Did einstein and newton thought about proving to the world before they thought about physics? I dont think so. I dont need to prove nothing to the world.I dont need to reach the 'TOP'. What is top anyway? It is just a pyramid of people. Self-esteem is the root of this shit. I need to reach a state of enlightnment where nothing else matters. This is my moment of clarity.
Buddha winked at me...and I winked back. I like this dude.

This moment of clarity, is it temporary or permanent? I dont care..but I am in that zone right now. I looked at the sea..there is no sea anymore. All I see is a plain road direct to the island...the island of my dreams. I went to the fisherman's daughter
and hold her hand. She was looking with awe and love. I was surprised.
May be the enlightment made me mysterious...no idea. She was love with me. was I god or what? No words need to be said. Everything was understood and implied.


Holding hands, we walked on the road towards the island.The sun was mysteriously setting behind the island and we walked towards it. I was very happy..but then I realised that I was not happy because of the island, I was happy because of the fisherman's daughter. Man..this love is something. Then I realised that happiness is not somewhere in the mysterious islands..not somewhere in unknown lands..it is all within yourself..its between you and your parter.OMG.. realisations within realisations..I need to carry a paper and pen..next time.I guess my blog works fine. No visas, no green cards, no citizenships, no false prestige..all you need is a girl who understands you.right?

The end. lets go home. The audience paid money to 'feel-good'.But, this is not a movie..this is a rant. It dosent need audience.There will be no end.That is the beauty of the rant. You dont need to care about characters, plot,entertainment, songs, fights,grammer,spelling..nothing. When you strip everything, all you got is something closest to truth or may be insanity. I hope people rant once in a while.


We reached the island by night. The island is okay..better than our village..neat bathrooms and good roads. We made love under the moon..with REM man on the moon playing in the background.weird choice. I agree.

then she started,"Do u really love me?"
"ofcourse"
"You didn't talk about me much in this rant.its all about you..isnt it?"
"because..it is my rant and I am the main character in my rant"
"But if you REALLY love me, you would include me as equal in your rant"
" R we talking about the rant in the rant itself? its self-reference"
"what reference?"
"deja vu"
"what?"
"nothing"


I looked at her, for the first time, in a different light. is this the girl I was in love with? is she dumb? Did I fell for her fish curry?
But, she trusted me..didnt she? She came all over to the new island.

Then I started being coy, " Babe, you need a rave..not a rant".
" you are being coy ", she said.

Thank god.. she is not dumb..I thought.

Then I started to rewrite my rant. But thats ridiculous to do that. Then I realised that I dont know nothing about her. I have no idea what she wants, her desires, her pain, her sadness..nothing.nada.zilch.
I felt very guilty. Enlightment didnt help much. Then I realised whatever partial enlightment I had dosent help much in relationships. Thats why my buddies jesus and buddha renounced relationships. But, I am not them.Dont want to be them.

I moved close to her and looked her in her moon lit eyes and said,

"Baby, Whats your rant?"




* For what its worth,this rant is dedicated to all people who are enjoying their ADHD/ADD.It is also dedicated to all people who at some point suffered anxiety and depression..and which includes 100% of the population.It is also dedicated to people who are fighting for public health care.


4 comments:

JTrain205 said...

Your meds are too strong.

Vamsee said...

they create nothing..
they heats up the frozen cold mind..

twist knob said...

this was pure class.

Unknown said...

dude....ur blog is dangerous...but i cannot stop loving it..i feel the urge or pain deep inside, when i am reading it..may be b'coz i wanted to cherish the moments like you...but received utter failure to do so...