Who am I? Part 2

Check out  part1 here. 

Bed-Stuy, NYC

date : november 2006

time : morning.

I didn't set the alarm, not because it was weekend. The noise usually wakes me up. Bed-Stuy was a noisy hood.

Got a call.

John : dude..wassup

me : wassup...dude

John : I got that thing u asked

me : what

john : the Shit

me : oh ya..how much

john : 100 for 8th

me : okay..where and when

john : houston and broadway at 4pm

me : alright.

I never use subway. My kia sportage must be the only kia sportage in the whole of nyc..because it sports  Alabama tag.I drive fast..because it helps me concentrate. Millions of traffic lights, Williamsburg bridge and thousands of people later..I reached the spot. Exchanged the goods and back home.

.

Timothy leary said, "It is all about set and setting"

The set was no good..and setting was much worse. I need to wait till evening. I want no one in the house. I had two roomates. a Chinese girl and an African-American guy. It was weekend and  one goes for  pussy hunting and other, dick hunting.and me staying home for conciousness hunting.

Magic Mushrooms are not for recreation. They can be used for recreation..but I would conclude you as stupid if you do so. They are for experience. Mushrooms are natural. These are found everywhere. They have used for thousands of years in religious ceremonies.

It was 9 pm and josh agreed to be my trip sitter..hundreds of miles away. Each mushroom is 1 gm and I was supposed to take 3gms. It was written on the small transparent packet," Want to go to Hawaii without leaving the city?". Funny..I thought.

So, I ate them raw and they tasted like chalk.

josh : u ate them raw? thats disgusting.

me : dude..nothings happening. i wanna watch a movie.

josh : you cant watch a movie.

me : I feel like puking.

josh : it will subside

me : I feel something

josh : tell me.

me : The colors are changing...everything looking soft and beautiful

     and my mac is soo beautiful

josh : u didnt get fucked by your dealer then..I will be there if you need any help...later

So, this is it ? This is the fucking experience?? Disappointing I thought. Got up for the bathroom...and in the bathroom as I passed the mirror..I noticed someone in it. I stepped back and looked at the mirror. Someone is staring right back at me..and blinked as I blinked.

Fuck, its me. I have a face..I have eyes...I look like an alien. I have two hands..how disgusting it is to have two hands! I was staring at the mirror part scared part fascinated. Then the thoughts started coming..just like tsunami..engulfing me. You want to latch to one thought ..but it goes away as a new thought comes. Then the joy came..the happiness or bliss or whatever. The thoughts were absolutely fascinating. Some of them poetic some of them scientific. I got some thoughts about Einstein’s theory of relativity..and I really came to conclusion that I finally found the nature of time. I didn’t celebrate because when I tried to type it..I couldn't type it..because I was already on to new thoughts and emotions. I never experienced such potpourri of emotions and  thoughts. It overwhelmed me.

I looked at the chiken wings and chow-mien bought earlier from Korean people selling chinese. I took a chicken wing a put it into my mouth. I almost puked. The chicken looks like part of me. No, chicken became me.how can any one eat chicken. disgusting. how can anyone eat an animal. What is happening to people.I calmed down a bit. Then I thought of sex..nope..no sexual drive at all. 

Then the next wave hit me. Then I found the truth.

me : u there.

josh : yeah

me : I found it

josh : what

me : If I tell you it would lose its meaning...

josh : lol enjoy..I am out.

Then I thought about josh..and said to myself what a great friend he is...and then all the people in my life...

The emotions come in waves and thoughts come like a train. Its as if you are on a train and watching all those villages and cities go by. But, all those villages and cities are actually your memories.I stopped at one memory..I was 5 in gannavaram. My dad was sucking on a 1 rupee ice fruit but gave me 25 paise ice fruit. Choke on it ******..I thought. Then I thought I was wrong to hate my dad. He did a lot..he tried to explain..he is super dad..I love my dad..I love my mom..I love my sister..and then the thoughts went much earlier ..to 4 yrs..3 yrs..mother sister and myself covering under the table.when the crazy wife of that satan worshipping guy..started banging on our doors..and then more thoughts as if I am goin back to an infant and then I hit the wall.I see a huge wall before me. I wanna cross it..but soo big. I got scared. thats it ..thats the wall...THE WALL.. I said to myself. OMG..THE WALL..THE WALL by PINK FLOYD.

Now I understand it. The meaning of wall. Because, you cant put the emotion of that wall in words. It can only be explained by art..by music or video...no..u cant put it in words. then I realized why art came into existence. Art is there to explain emotion. It may  be a simple statement..but becomes profound when you actually experince an emotion which cannot be explained in words.Pink floyd may not connected..because I am the one who is creating everything and imagining. Then I realized that, richer experience you have in life..richer experience in the trip...but the trip didnt feel like a trip...it felt soo real..that the so called real life felt an illusion..that’s what you discover.

I went to the fridge and took a sip from bottle and stood there..the lights looks like as if set by the worlds best cinematographer. Beautiful.Then I asked, " WHO AM I?"

I am not my body..because I feel everything in this world belongs to me...including the chicken and even my pillow. I am not my mind..because..I just now..came out of mind..and spent like an hour staring at my brain. It as if I am in the audience of the movie " brain of vamsee kamana".I am not my body and I am not my mind...then who the fuck am I?I am just an illusion...I am just my consciousness..but it cannot be captured..it is a fleeting illusion created by the state of brain..the perfect amount of chemicals coming together and locking you in.

Looks like I stood there for like 20 minutes. I realized that..but didnt move. then the next wave hit me. If I am an illusion..then why the fuck am I suffering..trying to be someone..trying to get approval from people..trying to make myself recognized..trying to prove that I am somebody..its all bullshit. The movie I wanna make..the movie which I thought defines me..which I thought to prove to the world..suddenly became meaningless. Then I fell in to abyss of depression and sadness.

Nobody told me about abyss and I fell right into it. Its dark, lonely and hopeless there. "This is how depression looks like" I thought.

When something which you worked all your life...proved to be nothing..

thats how you would feel. Then I realized that I let the movie define me.. I let the movie become me....that’s why I am suffering....suffering comes from letting something define you..and you are just an illusion.

self is just an illusion. free the self from someone else defining it.

Freedom.

I stood there standing still for 30 minutes. I would have scared ppl.

Then I went to my room. the next wave hit me.Then I started writing my thoughts..like 2 lines..and felt like that must be the greatest shit ever written..but I couldn’t continue anymore. Then I thought how difficult it is to explain an individual personal feeling and emotions. If your vocabulary is soo small..then everything is lost in translation..because u r not talking at my intellectual level. may be its not about vocabulary..certain emotions have no words..they must be experienced by a kiss or touch or smell or art. Then I felt bad for mistreating a girl who cursed me for not ********..which I more than gladly did with brown girls. I must be a closet racist. She said the truth..but it got lost in translation. Then I realized that people dont listen when someone is talking to them..I mean really LISTEN. How awesome it would be for someone to understand other..but the language turned out to be extremely inadequate. Thats the problem with the whole world..lack of tools to express themselves. Then my heart swelled thinking about this girl whom I met only thrice..and said " I am sorry..i am sorry for not listening to you". Its like looking at completly paralyzed person who can't move even his/her eyelid. That person may want to shout to express..but cant. Thats the case with everyone..your father...your friends ..your relatives...everyone shouting to express themselves..to tell their emotions....but the damn language is soo inadequate. Its not the frequency problem, its the tools of expression problem. Everyone is same. Suddenly I felt sympathy for everyone in the world. I saw in mind the sun setting..the beauty ..i thought..and I saw the night..the most beautiful thing in the  world..and then i thought..the purpose of human beings is to tell to each other their experience to each other.That is love ..i thought. Love is nothing but..telling the other person...that I feel the same. You are not alone.Then I realized it is all about love. LOVE..LOVE..LOVE..

I imagined all the people of the world coming together and

did u found it?

yes I found it

do u feel it?

yes I feel it

My entire being was filled with love..love for human beings ..love for any animals and even love for non-living things...because we are all the same. I wanna go out and hug the first person.I went out without a jacket or shoes..just my sandals. It was arctic outside..and I walked to the end of the street and I couldn't find anyone. I came back..feeling stupid. I could have been mugged..

it was 3 am. The waves became weaker..and the train stopped..

----------------------------------------------------------------------

a month later.. another 3 gms.

a big screen tv and a handmade fantastic sound system..and darkness all to myself..

then I put the DVD on.. " 2001 : A space odyssey"

I mutter..kubrick ..you are genius...no...kubrick ...YOU ARE GOD.

I watched it many times before for many years..

but today its different.....

animals started fighting and the african background appeared soo beautiful. Then the satellites started dancing for music of Strauss ...and then I went in to this startgate sequence..

It must be one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life..

goin thru that hole....what if kubrick edited that movie..based on audience tastes....what if he cut scenes to reduce audience boredom ...and listen to studio heads...thank god...u r one uncompromising jew bastard..thank you.I realized that to understand certain art..u gotta to be different frame of mind...

and then i thought that the  infant winked at me..I thought did he wink at me?? its as if it is saying..now u know! and who is behind all this ...the creator..the god..nothing but kubrick. He is revealing the truth..

and then the final..scene..I understood for the first time the meaning of it....but I cant tell you..because it has no meaning in spoken language...

and then the end titles..I think its Beethoven..a genius..beauty..ecstasy...I became very weak and tears coming in to my eyes and somehow it made me very very weak..that I automatically assumed the position of enfant and surprisingly it felt soo good..as if the classical music became my lullaby and telling me...I am there with you..I understand you..thats why i wrote this music..that to tell you that I was your position before..dont worry..I am there..sleep baby..and music was over and then pushed the button on the remote for doors..and I thought the trip was over..but not yet.

 Jim Morrison started singing "raiders on the storm" ..and I was in complete unison with that song..and then " The End " started..I am dying I thought..thats the end..I am dying..this is death..this is feeling of death..is it the sound of veena?? it sound like it...the most beautiful sound ever.... the sound of which is plucking the strings of my soul...

it was peaceful but I was dying..and he says something along the lines of fucking his mother (not to be taken literally)..which I take it as goin back in to the womb..and finally to a point and time where you found your consciousness..and then death..I mean to the point where you are neither dead or alive..u r nothing..that is the truth..which I forgot to realize as I grew up....and the chatter in mind died..and then I heard...

come on baby..take a chance with us

come on baby... take a chance with us

as if someone is telling..take a chance with this world..and giving me a hand..to help me out..and I was reborn again..

and slept peacefully.

I next day, I swore to myself that I will not touch mushrooms for a longtime to come because...one..the experience is too overwhelming and two..this mushroom demands lot of respect.

Its abuse potential is zero. It is the number one capitalist killer.

Hence, banned.

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LSD is 10 times powerful than mushrooms and lasts for 24 hrs to 48 hrs.

LSD single handedly changed the world in 60's..and produced a generation of youth which tried to destroy racism, tried to stop wars and which made love and made great music and movies and lived idealistically thinking that they can change the world and make into  a living heaven.. I would give anything to be in 60's.

But, it failed in the end. Because, it is not economically sustainable to love thy neighbor. Hippies became CEO's and destroyed the world.

The world seriously needs an LSD trip.

Andhra need LSD

Telangana needs LSD

Everyone needs it.

As timothy leary said:

Turn on. Tune in. Drop out.