In The Silence Of My Solitude - A Novel (Part 2)

The hit of dopamine from the cigarette, my solitude and the sky helped each other and combined synergistically, and produced a sense of ecstasy and wonder.

During those moments, I usually want to share my wonder, my conclusions and my doubts with everyone, and I started a lecture in my mind, as if the whole world was my audience:

For me; a moon-less, cloudless night sky is the most beautiful natural art on this planet. It’s not to say that the night sky with full moon and bit of clouds is not beautiful at all. But, it has its own purpose…one of which is romance and even, horror sometimes. That’s beside the point. There are some great paintings that people drew, but what’s the scope of the canvas? The whole sky is the canvas for the natural art of night sky and no goddamn artist can beat that. The most unfortunate people are those who live in the cities.

A person may be overwhelmed by the sky for religious reasons, thinking about god, but, for me, it is more scientific and artistic. Not only that, the fact that our ancestors, scientists, philosophers looked at the same sky with the same kind of awe, gives me a sense of euphoria.

It kind of struck me that; I am at the same upstairs and at the same spot from where I used to watch the sky as a kid. It is as if that moment was just a continuation of my childhood. It is as if; my journey into adulthood, journey to Hyderabad and journey to America, and all that didn’t happen at all. “who I am”  is still “who I was”, because, the knowledge I gained, the wisdom I attained, experiences I experienced, did not and would not change my  sense of self, a sense of who I am. The sense of ‘I am watching the sky’ as a kid, is the same as, ‘I am watching the sky’, at that moment. I don’t know how else I can explain that feeling.

I feel this sense of ‘I’, because, while watching the sky, I feel that, we, human beings are nothing, Nothing at all. You see millions of stars and some of those twinkles are actually galaxies which contain millions of stars and not to mention some black holes lurking around somewhere. Now, the earth is millions of times smaller than an average star and human beings are millions of times smaller than the earth.And, the human beings just ignore all that and just fight and kill, corrupt themselves and corrupt the earth and struggle just to survive; but, at the same time, doesn’t take even one minute of their time, to enjoy this wonder and finally find that they are nobodies. Only if, only if they do that once a while, that would bring enormous change in the planet. I always felt this sense of ‘I’, only when I find that I am a nobody. Even though, it doesn't make any sense on its face value, it does make sense.

People say that you have to work hard, struggle and do things which you don’t like and which makes you unhappy; for all those 20 to 30 yrs of your fit adult life, so that you can have a permanent comfortable life. Look how ridiculous this is!  What the hell do they mean by permanent? We ARE going to die somewhere around the average human life span. Do you call that permanent? Forget about you and me, and take the whole humanity including your grandchildren. Just, one strike by meteor, or one explosion of a star, and we are gone. Forget about meteor, how about a mega tsunami? In that brief span of human life, that 30yrs is very substantial for me to let it go waste.

Problem is, people repress lot of facts which makes them afraid, and one of which is the fact that they are going to die one day. So, when they use such words like “permanent”, they are actually saying that man is immortal.

Society represses lot of facts, and when a person represses lot of facts, he becomes a psych patient. Society, in general, is a psych patient, which needs some brilliant psychoanalyst. Now, why a person would want to take suggestions and orders from a psych patient is beyond my imagination.

I am not saying that we shouldn’t work hard. When people say ‘hard work’, I don’t know if they are talking about psychological pain or physical pain. Whatever the definition is, if people ‘enjoy’ their goal and the work that precedes it, then where does the question of hardness come from. Yes, there will be some instances where you feel the pain and dejection while reaching the goal. During those times, all you got to do is visualize and enjoy that goal, or just take off for sometime, or just leave the whole damn thing. Just don’t beat yourself up. The goal is never important than yourself. The ‘goal’ does not define ‘you’.

I want to a make a distinction between ‘pleasure’ and ‘happiness’. The ‘pleasure’ comes from enjoying your work, your goal or just by sniffing a line of cocaine. Happiness comes from just being ‘yourself’ and it comes from within. For pleasure, you have to do something, and for happiness you don’t need to do anything. Pleasure is temporary and happiness is permanent. I want to use that word ‘permanent’ because, we are all in love with that word. Happiness is permanent, because it comes from self-knowledge. Because when your body and mind dies, do u really die? I am not talking about soul and all that spiritual crap.

But, this is all shit. You know why? Because, I am reaching all these seemingly truthful nuggets, when I got the ‘pleasure’ by watching the sky. Not only that, if you notice, I am alone now, and I call that solitude. Solitude is not the same as loneliness. Solitude is the moment a man lives to become aware of himself. Solitude is with a purpose of self discovery, but loneliness is a kind of helplessness. So, pleasure and solitude must be prerequisite for self-knowledge and self-knowledge is a prerequisite for happiness.

But, this is all shit again. Because, it’s not possible to have self-knowledge, just from those tiny moments of solitude you have and pleasure you get. I believe that pleasure and happiness bootstrap each other. Pleasure gives happiness, and happiness gives more pleasure and more pleasure gives more happiness, and finally it is all happiness. It is a continuous process, and has no ending.

The problem with drugs like cocaine is that; it gives you pleasure, makes you feel cocky and grandiose; and at the same time, it is very short acting. This produces a vicious cycle of dependence and abuse. But, psychedelic drugs gives you all the introspection you need, but, only if you take them for that purpose. They are not at all addictive but if you take psychedelic drugs to escape sadness, you would regret it. I believe, you should take psychedelic drugs only twice in your life time -- now and before your deathbed, as doctor prescribed. The mildly psychedelic, marijuana, is all together a different beast, even though it is mildly addictive. I have to say, that it is the best drug in the whole world, after food.

Society, not only represses facts but also ignorant of them. With that ignorance, it teaches us that drugs are bad. Don’t ignore the society, but dissect its argument with cold logic that comes from the knowledge of your research. There may be instances where you may agree with them, and there is nothing wrong in that, because, in the end, we are all part of that society.

People are always in pursuit of happiness. A would be suicide-bomber believes that he is going to get that happiness in heaven after he becomes a martyr. We are all in the pursuit of money for the same reason. We eat food for the same reason. But, none of this will give you happiness. They may give you temporary pleasure, and you get addicted for that pleasure, and want to feel it again and again. It comes to a point that, you would exploit others, rape or even kill others, for that hit of pleasure. The worst kind of pleasure is the pleasure of ‘comfort’. We always think that the comfort of high class beds, sofa sets, houses, cars, or even a big screen TV’s gives us pleasure. The pleasure you get from comfort would last less than month or so, from my experience.

That’s why people compare all the time, because they lost the pleasure of comfort. They revel in the tragedy of others; they imagine the life of poor, so that they get that hit of pleasure again. Any person, who revels in the tragedy of others, is an addict. Pure and simple.

Indians, who immigrate to rich countries, enjoy that country much more than locals. But, for that, they always have to summon up the feeling, “how fortunate I am when compared to a billion people in my home country”. This sense gives them temporary pleasure, which is necessary to avoid the fact that they became mechanical slave machines and cog in the wheels, living everyday in the fear of losing job or losing the privilege of staying in that country. This sense of false pride, that they are fortunate than their own countrymen, is the single biggest reason, since we already proved that comfort is temporary, why Indians refuse to go back to their home country. They don’t want to lose that false ‘specialty’. This insecurity is extremely prevalent among the middle-class and lower-middle class people who immigrate to rich countries. They have a valid reason for that. Middle class life in India teaches us that we are a nobody (not in the philosophical sense) and we grew up wanting to be somebody. We hate the feeling of being nobody and the claustrophobic effect it produces. Our hard work and everything we do come from that hatred. We take the first flight out of the country to become somebody. We would soon find out that, we are still a nobody, once the new becomes old. We may escape from our country, but we cannot escape from our own mind, where all the shackles exist. When the slave is within you, Where ever you go, you are still a slave. Slavery produces suffering.

I have to agree, atleast initially, when people argue that they came to America, or some other ‘white’ countries (yes, all western countries are white dominated), for the freedom it offers. But, I have a problem with that too. Because, ultimately, after you did all the things you could do with your freedoms, you would still need a comparison. After the comparison stops producing its effects, you would then feel a cricket ball size hole in your heart. That hole will suck you in. Yes, freedom; either it is about freedom of speech or freedom to have sex, is an absolute essential necessity for  humanity, but, at the same time, if you don’t get freedom from the jails you built in your mind, you cannot enjoy anything.

Even if we are in India, we would still work hard only for comparison. Citizens of super-powers still need ‘slumdogs’ to feel better about themselves. So, saying that this country is better than other country is of no use. Every country is shit, except Antarctica.But, given a choice and all things being equal, which country would you choose? But, again, traveling to different countries is necessary, not only for enjoyment but also to expand our horizons. If we start to believe, that the whole world is ours,atleast in our mind, then I guess that idea itself would break one or two shackles in our mind. If we believe that every human being is same, then that would break one or two more shackles in our mind.

I believe that the key to everything is to find happiness within.

Greed is a comparison based system and it has no end. That is the reason why, such a system produces enormous amounts of products for each and EVERY needs, including pedophilia and animal sex. Greed system will have everything except, happiness. Not only that, such kind of system needs to wage wars to maintain itself, because of the limited resources of the earth, and I guess, finally, self destruct itself. When a single rumor (?) that a person crossed a line produced travel disruptions for the whole day, because of the consequences of the system itself, then, what kind of system is that? Other systems like religious systems are greedy too, and one of which might be the number of converts.

When people say that man is greedy, that is true when you are assuming that a man is defined just by his body and mind. That is what I am all talking about here.

The problem with religion is that, it asks you to just believe without questioning. A system without questioning will turn out to be a dangerous system..and we have seen that all through the history. A religion which says ‘ask yourself’ is not a religion at all.Some say that religion teaches you morals. That is utter total nonsense. A religion might say that, “Don’t kill another human being”, but asks us to believe it as it is, without any reasoning. How is it possible for me to follow it without a reason? If a person tries to kill me, and if there is no chance to escape, I would certainly try to kill or incapacitate that person. Even if the religion says, “Don’t kill another human being..except”, I still would have a problem with that. You may accuse me of finding reasons for everything and say that not everything happens for a reason.Okay, that’s fine. Then, how can I choose one religion from another…if the only requirement is to believe whatever they say. Then you say “ask yourself”, and then my question would be, “on which moral foundation should I ask myself, since religion is the only one which teaches me the morals”. Chicken and egg. Then you say, “Morals are within you”. That’s exactly what I am saying; I don’t need religion for my morals.

I have my own reasons to believe that man does not need moral teachings. Let me explain. The whole universe which includes atoms, rocks, plants, animals, human beings; is an existence. Human beings and most probably some other higher animals became conscious of that. I believe consciousness is a by-product of the shape of the brain and its chemicals. But, at the same time, the shape of brain and chemicals are not static all the time. Especially, chemicals change in composition all the time in a single hour. But, the memory of that consciousness is always there in the brain. So, when human beings feel ‘I exist’, you notice that ‘I’ is alone. Loneliness is hell for man. When he sees you, he not only comes to know that you also exist, but also comes to know that you too have the knowledge that you exist. Then he empathizes with your loneliness, and that is nothing but love. Out of that love comes all the happiness. That love is not only for you, but for all the human beings. Love is nothing but an antidote to emotional loneliness through understanding and empathizing with each other. Now, why would a human being kill a person he loves? You might have heard yourself saying, “Kill the chicken, but kill it without it being conscious of it”. You assumed that it had consciousness, and felt a connection with it. But, you didn’t feel any connection physically. Whether a chicken has consciousness or not, I don’t know; but, when a human recognizes a creature and call him as human, he automatically assumes that the creature has consciousness. So, the morals are all within the human beings. They just need to be conscious (aware) of their own existence, more than often. When a person loves another person, he feels responsible for the other. That’s why some people say, “You are here but you are responsible for the violence in Somalia”.

Everything is made of the same thing. We see the similarities at different levels. So,

in a way, pleasure and happiness are the same, in the sense that pleasure is the product of happiness. The difference is that, we can summon happiness at our own will, so it forms a kind of foundation to our mind. The pleasure is much more powerful, but the higher you go on pleasure, the harder you fall. But, if you have a foundation of happiness, and when you fall from the ‘cloud 9’, you fall on a soft cushy bed. That means, you won’t become an addict of anything. Sad people are addicts and which is like 100% of the population.

Human beings are products of evolution. But, consciousness is an accidental by-product of the same evolution. Evolution wants you to succeed and it is ruthless.

When a strong male lion wants to join a new pride, it goes and kills all the cubs in it, before the eyes of their weaker father. Then, it goes and literally rapes the female lions in the pride, not one, all of them. From the perspective of evolution, this is perfectly fine as the cubs of a stronger male lion are strong. When female lions work hard and kill a beast, the male lion (husband) forcibly steals from them and leave them the left overs.This is also fine as the male lion needs to be stronger to protect them.

The genes were coded to do this. All genes care, is their propagation, and they don’t care as much for you once you are done with procreation. The same genes will kill you later, because, one, you are already done with procreation and, two, you are a headache to the new generation. The genes work by acting on your mind, through your pleasure centers. Your body is just a machine under the control of those genes. You are controlled by the ‘pleasure’.

Once man found consciousness, this evolution gave him emotional pain, as it sometimes want him to kill another man. And, deep inside man knows that it is wrong, but he still do.

Evolution and consciousness are enemies. Evolution and consciousness are friends. Both statements are true. Evolution made mother love her child and that’s ok with consciousness. Evolution made man jealous of another man, and that’s not ok with consciousness. Because, happiness is a product of consciousness and if someone is happy, why would he be jealous of anything?

A historic battle will take place between evolution and consciousness, for the last time, on your death bed. You want to live, but your body and mind want to die. Your body and mind changed many times, as the cells have been destroyed and constructed many times. May be the cell says enough, and stops dividing. But, your consciousness remained all the same throughout your life. A slow death because of old age is painful. A horrible but much quicker death is much more preferable than old age death. I may be wrong, but I never saw lower animals struggling when they die of old age. But, man struggles till the end, because the physical pain of his body is nothing when compared to the emotional pain. So, when a priest comes to his death bed and lies to him that he is going to god, then, that thought gives him a peace of mind. Because, he thinks that he is not going to die after all. I believe that priest solution for that problem is not a good solution.

It’s ironic, when I say that the first and last time, a man does not want to be conscious of himself, is on his death bed. The solution is to administer cocaine or some other stimulants to make him feel omnipotent and feel less pain. Let a man die as a god.

(but, it kind of confuses me when some learned men wanted to take psychedelics on their death bed. May be they want to experience the beauty once again, even though the beauty itself, might produce pain. I don’t know)

Is it possible, that finally, evolution takes consciousness in to consideration and become friends? If evolution and consciousness become friends, then there won’t be death. But, at the same time, if there is no death, then everyone will suffer hunger, because of lack of resources, and this may lead to less efficient genes. So, it just defeats the whole purpose. A much better question would be why genes want to compete and propagate? What’s driving them? A worse scenario is when, if the evolution takes consciousness into consideration, and finds out that it is producing less efficient genes, then, will it revert back to lesser humans? Is that the reason why we are fighting wars much more deadly than before? Let’s leave at that, as, these are just hypothetical questions.

Then, what is the purpose of human life? I have an answer for this one. The purpose is pleasurable happiness or happy pleasures. We must enjoy all the pleasures that come with evolution and the happiness that comes with our consciousness.

The pleasure of food. Imagine, eating a chicken dum biryani after many days. Imagine eating a well made steak. Imagine eating a mango. Food acts directly on our pleasure centers. Even if you eat just raw food, it still acts on you pleasure centers. People say eat in moderation, as if saying that such a strict rule will somehow make you eat less.

Saying or enforcing such a rule will not help anyone. You are eating too much food most probably because you are a sad person. Food helps you from that sadness and you became an addict. It’s not to say that people who eat less food are happy people, because they have other kind of addictions which helps them from their sadness. I am not putting a limit on number of chicken biryanis you can eat. All I am saying is, ask yourself and everyone, “What’s the source of that sadness”. If you begin asking that,then you will be in the path of self discovery and it will give you happiness and which in turn will help in the chicken not getting extinct. Every person is sad, but there are lot of people who are sadder. I am not exactly sure the exact cause of the psychological problems. It could be the shape of the brain, to chemical compositions, which are effected by thoughts which emanate from conflicts and repressions, which emanate from experiences. What I am positive about, is the fact that psychology is a necessary evolutionary layer on the consciousness. When the sea is rough it’s difficult to find direction. Let’s calm the sea first and then proceed with self discovery. Medication must be used with that goal in mind.

Pleasure of sleep. 

--  continued here