An as-it-is-no-bullshit snapshot of a day in the life of a lazy vagabond.

Amritsar.

10am.

I woke up to the sound of someone banging on the door.

"who is it?"
"sir"

Knowing who it was, I opened the door.It was the hotel boy.

"sir,are you going to stay for one more day"

Do you want me to stay or not? r u surprised that I am going to stay one more day?is this some kind of scam?

"ofcourse"

"okay,sir"


11am.

I woke up again to the sound of someone banging on the door.

"sir, are you going to stay for one more day?"
"Yes. Yes!! I am going to stay for one more day, I told you before"
"okay,sir"

dream or dejavu?

"can you do me a favor? next time when you come here,please knock, like this;knock, knock,knock; just, please dont break the door.okay? Krupaya dhyan dhijiye"

He laughed.

12am.

I woke up again,but this time to the sound of someone knocking on the door.


"sir, are you staying? because if you are not staying, we would like to paint this room"

"I am staying and I am not leaving this room. You gotta postpone that, and please let me sleep"

"okay, sir"



3pm.

I woke up this time on my own.

Should I feel guilty about getting getting up at 3pm? Ofcourse not, because I am not the usual tourist whose time is money. I got lot of time. guilt trashed.

but if you had woke early, you would have done soo many things..right?

short cuts, my friend,short cuts.I find diamonds in my shortcuts.


4pm.

I walked down to the lobby of the hotel, and was facing the owner.

"Hello. How are you? I just want to say something here. last night, I asked for plates, and I didnt get any. I asked for a remote, and I didnt get it. I asked for a key and I didnt get
it, and you know what your boy said, he suggested me to change the channels manually, and the TV was at 6 feet away", I laughed as I said.

He laughed too. He knew that I was taking that oppurtunity to start up a conversation, or just to crack a joke. Cues of the society.

Laughing at mundane things in life is a gift. Trust me.

"We will do the needfull"
"you know what.. you said the samething last night"

He laughed again.He knew that there is no way that anyone could get remote for that crappy TV.He also knew that tourists who come to Amritsar stay at his place atmost for a day, because it
was the nearest one to the bus stand.Since no one bothers to come again, why bother!

If not for me getting up late, I would certainly have checked out of that crappy,and a bit costly-for-my-pocket hotel.

no shortcuts here...when it comes to money.

but at the sametime, just when you thought you saved up all the money with your judicious planning, things like reverse-lottery happens...and there goes all your money in to someone else pocket.



4.15pm.

I walked out to the busy street.Noise,dust,heat,cycle rickshaws,auto ricshawas,buses,cars,what not. Then I noticed a sudden surge of excitement in me.A feeling of adventure,
a feeling of not judging what I was seeing as bad. A feeling that everything is an experience, an experience which is an end to itself.It was not to write,brag or film about.
Just an experience! It was not with a future purpose. The purpose - present and there itself.


With a spring in my walk, I appraoched a cycle rickshaw.

"golden temple"
"sit"
"how much"
"you sit"
"no, tell me first""
"10 ruppees"
"what!!"
"10"


10 rupees was nothing.But, I had noticed that cycle ricshawale's dont charge much.no idea why.I also noticed that I grew a beard, and my clothes were not so presentable, and it did work many times later in tricking the wallahs.

Poor help poor.I know it for a fact. I observed it many times.

All the rickshaws in amrisar were open richkwas.I jumped in to it, and started watching the old city. Both golden temple and jalianwallah bagh, two places where deadliest incidents happened, were at a stone throw away distance from each other in the old city. As usual in any old city in a city, it was full busy, with many small and big shops.Very hectic.small streets.old buildings.and lots and lots of tourists.

We crossed jalianwallah bagh, and I wondered if it was the place where general dyer killed a thousand peacefully protesting indians.I thought of the movie gandhi, and richardattenbourough, and visualised how this place would be like during those days.It kind of struck me that the street saw the deaths of thousands of indians in the hands of miliray once before indepence, and once after independence, which happened couple of decades back, and ofcourse which also killed the dynamic but a bit megalomaniacal leader Indira gandhi.

The richshawalla dropped me somewhere between jalianwallah bagh and golden temple, and I started walking towards golden temple. The sun was super hot,but my mind was super cool.I ignored my body,which was a mistake,especially for someone who just came from the cool climate of himalayas to the plains where
civilizations prospere and destroy themselves.

I was about to enter golden temple when I heard some one shouting "wagha border, wagha border".I knew what he was shouting about, and out of curiousity I apprached him.

"how much?"
"80 rs"
"will you wait till I get back from the temple?"
"look, let me give you a very good suggestion. The border closing is gonna start in an hour.you dont have time. first, I will take you to the border, and will drop you here at 7pm.You have plenty of time after that"

"temple has lights in the night?". Stupid question.

He smiled, "ofcourse.Golden temple very beautiful in the night"

"how much time we got?"

"10 mins"

"look, I am gonna go for a chai and come back in 10 mins.okay?"

"first reserve your place and go. If you miss this shared taxi, you gotta shell out 600 to go wagha."

He looked trushworthy. I paid for the ticket,and went out in search for chai.


There was a small blink-and-you-miss-it chai shop near jallianwallah bhag. I gotta stress this because
it looked like punjabis dont drink chai that much.

I sat down drinking my delicious but a bit watery chai.

Ms.Huxley.

Why did I think about her yesterday? Why am I thinking about her now? Why was I thinking about her for the last one month? Why?

you know why, dont you? Because, you are stupid.

I am cool takeit easy guy.Nothing bothers me.

You can bullshit others, not me.

I finished my chai, paid 5rs, and walked towards the wagha guy.

Our group consisted of some old and boring indians -- 50 yr olds couples, obviously north indians.As I sat beside the driver seat, I noticed something odd. I was not feeling good, and was not able to point the reason. I felt thristy, and then it dawned upon me that I ignored the hot sun, but it didnt ignore me. It didnt discrimate at all.


Heat stroke! is it a heat stroke.What the hell I am thinking about. who gets a heat stroke at 5 in the
evening. am I becoming like woody allen, worrying about heat strokes and diseases.


fuck it, I dont care.



The maruthi van started slowly through the crowds. It amazed me how we came out of old city without an
accident, because at some point I asked the teen driver about his drivers license.


We were on our way at full speed in no time.


Train to pakistan. Did that train go through these places.did people massarched each other here.History of punjab is history of blood.death.blood. Death.Dead body.Dead body..dead body..dead body...PRANEETHA!

NO! Please, not now.

No, you gotta do it. You are repressing your memories.face them!

farmaldehyde and cheap agarbattis.farmaldehyde and cheap agarbathis.NO, not now!
cheap makeup, shoddy makeup, horrible makeup, horrible makeup to coverup horrible face.
cheap makeup, formaldehyde, agarbatti, and rigor mortis.fat dead body.

No, she is not my praneetha. she is not!


MOM : Tell me the truth.
me : mummy....
MOM: please tell me..
me : (crying)...
MOM: why is he crying? vamsee is crying..why is he crying..
me : mummy..
MOM : tell me right now
me : Praneetha...
MOM: No, dont tell me. She will be fine.she is just in hospital.She will be okay.
I prayed to many gods.Dont cry, she will be okay.Doctors are taking care of my praneetha.
I know you dont believe in god, but pray for her. go to a temple.She will be okay.
dont cry. She is just in the hospital. she will be good. god does not punish such a great girl.
I am sure about that.She will be india by the time I come there.dont worry!
me : but..
MOM : give the phone to mamu..

mamu : akka, she is fine.just a small accident.dont worry.




jaipur.Mangal,his wife,her sister and me;watching a movie in the supposed to be the most beautiful theatre
according to lal kishan advani.

My phone rang.

me : Akka, wassup!
Akka : You have to immediately go to hyderabad.
me : why?
Akka : just go
me : why?

Something happend in hyderabad. something bad. Someone in hyd met with danger. pinni?

Akka: Vamsee....Vamsee..be brave.
me : what?? just tell me.
Akka: Vamsee..vamsee..praneetha is no more.
me : what?? what are you talking about?
Akka: She met with an accident in US.

This is a nightmare, right? Ofcourse its a nightmare.or, did the time just stop.Who said this is the beautiful theatre in india.This is the most ugliest.

JFK internatioanl airport.The flight about to leave for munich.delay.half hour.

My phone rang.

me: pranee, how r you ra? You didnt answer your phone on your brithday.
praneetha : Annaya, r u really going back to india.
me : yes, I am.
praneetha : What will do there? Please think about it.
me : I dont know ra. I will do something.Tell me about your birthday.
Praneetha : I really enjoyed it annaya. All my roomates gave me a surprise brithday party.
My best birthday. but, they made a mess with eggs and milk and what not.
me: eggs and milk. What kind of birthday is that? Did they hit you with eggs? What kind of animals do that!
Praneetha : No, they hit the other guy, I told you na, my friend.
me : Why did they hit him if it is your birthday? Whats happening?
Praneetha : just like that. He helped me a lot when i came here na, thats why.
me : I dont get it.
praneetha : leave it. Did you tell peddamma that you are going back?
me : I think they know.
praneetha : Annayaa..
me : tell me ra..
Praneetha : nothing.
me : I am serious this time. Send me your BOA Account number. How many times do I have to tell that.
Please listen to me.I have money now, I wont be having anything later..
Praneetha : Arey..Money is not at all the problem.I will complete my MS, find a job, and will send you money.dont worry.
me: hahaha..big girl! you know what,I feel really guilty for not visiting you and helping you out.
Praneetha : forget about it..I will come to india na..
me : super idea.hahaha..
Praneetha : Annaya, why dont you get married?
me : why? you wanna wear a saree,full makeup, and harrass my wife's side..dont u?
Praneetha : hahahha..yes.
me : now listen, first your marriage, and then mine.okay?
Praneetha : Anayya...
me : tell ra...babu..
Praneetha : you know that guy...my friend...he has a car...
me : and..
Praneetha : nothing le...
me : you wanna say something to me?
Praneetha : Annaya...
me : listening....
Praneetha : be safe.
me : I will try.



Memories. Damn memories! It takes a millisecond to feel them, but takes an hour to write about them.
But, no matter how much I write, I would never be able to express the emotion associated with those memories.


Repress!Repress!

Done!

The van didnt repress much. It faced the road with enthusiasm,
and with some recklessness. I guess it trusted its driver.


5.30 pm.

We reached attari. The border is called attari-wagha border, and
ofcourse, bordering pakistan.The ceremony we were going to was the border closing ceremony, which happens everyday at 6 pm.
Thousands of indians on one side of the gate, and the same number of pakistanis on the other side of the gate come everyday to show their patriotism when the soldiers try
to outperform each other in style in closing the gates.

When I got out of the van,I felt very weak. I attributed it to lack of food,sun and thrist. I walked to the restuarant, saw some one eating a somasa and ordered it along with a super cold
thumsup. It took me 2 minutes to complete the whole thumsup, but
still felt thirsty. I left the halfeaten samosa and went to the
nimbu soda stand.

When I took the first sip of nimbu soda, I thought I was in heaven. Limca,sprite or any other lemon flavoured drinks are
nothing before this road side nimbu soda.The best nimbu soda
ever!

Rejuvinated, but still weak, I bought a corn cob and went to the border. There were two check points before reaching the border gate. One for corn cobs, and the other for weapons. Obviously,I sacrificed my corn cob for the sake of national security, and when I reached the second security point and when i turned left, I saw a woman in military dress with a big gun hanging on her back side.I wouldnt say it was instant love, but certainly there was some instant attraction.

A woman. Military dress.Impeccable.A big automatic weapon.
Danger.strength.fear.attraction.

The fact that she could easily destroy me in anykind of fight excited me.


I skipped my line and came back to watch her, or may be take a pic or two.She was standing in a manly way,a bit vulguar, with her legs apart,and directing the female traffic. Sudden impulse came over me to go and talk to her, but then again I remembered that my fitness levels were abysmally low to face any fractures of any sort, and so I proceeded to the border with dissapointment, and wondering what a coward I was!

When I reached the podium specially erected to watch the ceremony, I Immediatley understood the impossiblity of watching it. There were not hundreds but thousands of patriotic
indians climbing on the gates and walls and steps to watch the
cermony.

The people climbing up those 20 steps reminded me of tirmula queques. Just replace spirituality with partiotism.Two concepts I did/do not associate myself with!




I mixed in with the crowd, and started climbing the steps with
some kind of fake determination. I got to confess here that I feel claustrophobic among the crowds, especially when there is a frenzy to see something, to act on something, as if the moment would be gone forever if they dont act now. In that temporary
insanity, they dont care about others,even if what they are going after is something which temporarly bond with the same people who they are fighting now for a place.

I am a free man right!(What ever the hell it means)
I have no fear right!(Except in the curious case of milatary woman)
I can do anything, right! (Anything that is convenient to you)


With great difficulty, and after getting pushed and shoved, smell of sweat, I finally reached the top only to find there
were hundreds more people vying for vantage positions. Impossible!

Then, there was huge roar of people shouting 'vandemataram', 'bharat mata ki jai',from which I kind of deduced that the ceremony had started.

The same people who were pushing and shoving each other were
shouting these plastic ready made slogans, and a thought occured to me that their patriotism is not about india, but a hatred for
pakistan. fear, more than the hatred.


"Vandemataram"
"Bharat..Mata..ki jai"


Mob fury. This is the mob. This is the mob, with frency brought by temporary insanity, would not hesitate to kill or maim their object of hatred. The mob is always one person. It has a character united by the single point hatred agenda among its
constituents.Very dangerous!

I got moved by the mob. This is my country. These are my people.
We are brothers and sisters united by common cause,the nature of which I couldnt fathom at that moment. I looked at the people. They looked just like me. A shock of patriotism passed through me, and I too wanted to shout vandemataram, with my fellow partriots. As if to save from my dilemma, some one shouted, "peace...peace...shanti..shanti..", and I was brought back to my senses and rationaity.

What if I am in the position of kamal hassan in heyram?


I didnt want to stay there anymore, and walked back to the street full of vendors selling patriotic cds.

weakness,trembling legs,no-apetite,thirst.

Whats happening to me?



I sat down near the nimbu stand.

thirst
nimbu soda
thirst
nimbu soda
weakness.no apetite.
corn cob
thrist
sprite.

Am I suffering from dinking too much water? too much water reduces sodium levels, but I drank too much sodium too..whats wrong.

Ms.Huxley. What is she doing now? getting fucked?

so what?

sucking a ..I mean..like..

stop.so what?

saying, " I love you"

jealous?

vamsee is never jealous.

As josh used to say, " but only when you talk in third person"

fuck josh.



I knew whats happening. Phyical depression leads to mental depression atleast momentarilly. All I needed was to unplug the mind. But, is it possible?

As ruchi says, did I too wake up in a different shade? or do I go threw different shades in a day? or with my force of will, I can change any shade into the coolest shade ever or the brightest shade ever? Even if I change my shade to a better one, wont my memories remember that I lived in that not-so-better shade before, and hence conclude that I am not really happy that day? and..overall determining my happiness.

The van started, finally. The couples were sharing their experiences. Normally I would have joined their conversation.
I didnt. No mood.

I heard some one saying, " We found an AC room for 200 near golden temple". I am paying 4 times as much.shit!

I looked at the couples.

Soo normal..soo boring. Why do they
lead their lives? What makes them live their boring lives?
Why do they wear such boring dresses? Why cant they be sexy?
please cover your sagging boobs! Its depressing to see sagging
boobs.



The not-so-old woman looked at me and adjusted her chunni.

You are a hypocrite.

why?

look at your self. your beard.your dress.your sandals.

whats wrong with my sandals? They are made from camels skin.
completly washable.

only if you care to wash!



I looked outside. Rich,plush fields. With all these fertile lands, india is still poor? How can it be possibille?
The problem is not with the answer, but with the quesion.
The question must be, " Who owns those lands?"

you are a hypocrite

look, that issue is over.

no its not over.How dare you judge those middleclass couple.

wait.Do you think I am the same person everytime. Dont you think I have moods...and in certain moods I momentarilly judge others? cut me some slack.

then you need to cut slack to every who look others with contempt. May be there are in that mood at that time.

You got a point.



I was getting progressively weaker as the couples became progressively louder, and the van progressivley faster, and the sun progressively dimmer, and my mind was becoming progressively negative.

Spinoza.He is the only philosopher who understood emotions. He is the most noblest and practical of all philosophers.

"Understand your emotions, and pit one against the another"

How to do it?

A philosopher becomes a great philosopher when he confirms you.
not when he teaches something new.Spinoza taught me some stuff, but mostly he confirmed. Getting confirmed is a great feeling.

Since it is impossible to unplug my mind, let me use my mind to cure my mind.

As surya said..knowlege talking to knowledge.

"Whats wrong?"
"I am feeling negative"
"whats that?"
"I am feeling sad"
"reason?"
"my body feels weak"
"lack of energy leads to lack of chemicals in brain.solved"
"but I dont want to feel sad"
"you are being a perfectionist"
"oh no..perfectionism..My hate for it is perfect.what to do?"
"enjoy your sadness?"
"enjoy my sadness?"
"dont you enjoy sad movies?"
"yes"
"just like that?"
"yes. just like that."
"not convinced"

The van stopped.

The driver to the couple, " You gotta get down here"
husband, " You said you are going to drop at the bus station"
"walkable from here..walk"
"No.we wont"

Argument ensued.There were only two alternative because of some
traffic reasons.Either I need to get out or they need to get out. I offered to walk to the temple. I didnt hear thanks from anyone.

I walked on to the busy street. Thrist, weakness, sweat, heat.
Its dark outside and still felt the heat, or was it humidity?


7:45 pm

I dragged my feet to the golden temple.People.Lots of them.
Spiritual people.Lots of them.This must be an important place for them.very important.

Ofcourse, they killed india's PM because of it.Didnt they?
Killed by her own bodyguards. How much mental struggles those
body guards might have gone through.

I deposited my sandals, and walked into the temple.There was a small pool of running water before the entrance, most probably washing away sins of the devotees.

I folded up my jeans a half feet above my feet, and went into the water. Instant refreshment! The cool water massaged my feet.I stood there for 20 seconds,enjoying it, while the people around
me moved on. As I approached the entrance, a guard adorning a weapon which looked like a spear, stopped me, indicating that I was supposed to wear a head scraf. I took a headscraf, but didnt know how to wear it.

you dont know how to wear a headscraf, fumbles at locks,fidgets near women,you dont know how to repair an automobile, dont know how to make a knot, dont know how to negotiate, dont know how to
build a house.You have no style.No grace.Nothing.You are just an half-man.

dear,I create style.dont follow it.

You are also genghiz khan, the great.

check this out.



I wore the scarf with no difficulty and walked in to the temple.
The temple was in the middle of a manmade pond, and ofcourse very beautiful.It's image was making beautiful shapes on the surface of the pond. The air above the pond was cool. I sat near the pond facing the temple. That was what I wanted - to sit at a cool place.That was it.

Some kids surrounded me, asking me to take their pics. I obliged.

I walked to the main temple, but the line was too big and too slow.Weakness and impending boredom of a slow moving line made me decide against going to the temple. I was weak,but enjoying it in way.I noticed that I was enjoying it because I gave up fighting it. I looked at my folded up jeans, and no one was judging me, as they too folded up their pant wahtever. The fact that I folded my pant made me free.Weird!

Weakness is like a freefall, and when you are in a freefall, you better not fight it, just enjoy it.

is giving up fight against weakness same as gaining strength?



8:45pm.

I walked out of the temple, refusing to unfold my pant. I liked it that way. I went to a store selling some religious products, most of them knives and talwars and what not.

"Do you have guru granth sahib..I mean the sikh holy book?"
"why? you wanna buy it"
"ofcourse, I wanna buy it"
"where u from"
"hyderabad"
"well, if you wanna buy it, you need 5 people,a big box, and some manual fans"
"what???"
"I will be fined 10000 if I sell it just like that"

either this is utter nonsense or some language problem



"what are you reading.I need something like that.A small book"
"its some other book".
"you got a nice store"
"its good"
"why is it hot here"
"its not hot"

I am back.The obsurdity is back.Hurrah!


"how much is that knife?"
"you wanna buy it?"
"no"
"do I need a license?"
"no"
"so many weapons.what they do with weapons?"
"they just wear them"
"are they very sharp?"
"yes.very sharp"
"they kill?"
"what??"
"they kill?", indicating a beheading motion
"u a tourist?"
"may be"
"what you do?"
"I dont do much", I laughed.
"you wanna buy something?"
"no.just looking"

He went back to reading his book.I left him with his book.

life is a monty python script.There is no question about it.
No one understood and explained life better than monty python folks. The trick is to participate in that absurdity, and also
enjoy it. You can only enjoy it when you become the viewer of that absurdity. You participate and view it.

When people participate, but not enjoy it unless there is a joke in the absurdity itself, they are asking for trouble.If you participate and watch it, you even have the chance of improvise..and the script can be changed to meet your needs of enjoyment, if not the ending.

Death and tragedy happens in mython python skit.But, they are all too dramatic and farce...just like life. We take life too seriously, and thats because we refuse to accept that we are absurdopiens.

you should remember this.

I will...may be.



I hired a cycle rickshaw. I gotta find a new hotel now.cheap and comfortable.I already read about a hippie budget hotel in lonley plante guitde, but that guide is mostly geared towards foreigners.

As I entered that nondescript hotel (or a house), I noticed that there was a spring in my walk, and enthusiasmi in my mind, and a foldedup jeans,supposed-to-be camel skin sandals,and an yellow head scarf,and a beard.

I was stopped by a man, most probably a worker there.

"what you want?" (in hindi)
"I need a room"
"where you from?"
"hyderabad"
"no rooms"
"no rooms?"
"yeah..no rooms"
"there must be some empty rooms"
"no..I am telling you..no rooms"
"I want to go to the reception"
"this is reception"
"this is reception? you are the reception?"
"yes"
"I am going to the reception". Screw you.

I walked in to the hotel reception.
The owner, a middle aged women, wearing a punjabi dress,and
working on a laptop was sitting there.

I switched to enligh,"lonely planet guide mentioned your place, and so, here I am."

lonely planet's name brightned her face.It was an honour.

"I know", she smiled.
"It said pretty good things about this place.Looks like its true", I said looking around.

She smiled.

"you have rooms?"
"plenty of them"
"but that guy said no rooms?"

The worker joined us, and he switched to english which kind of surprised me.

"where you from?", asked the worker.
"from US"
"why didnt you say that before?"
"whats the difference?", I looked at the owner..surprised

she reprimanded him,"you are not supposed to say that"
I pointed him, and said, " you know..thats discrimination" and laughed.

"when do you want the room?"
"tommorow"
"come tommorow, I will show you a nice room"

Done.

9.30pm

"where you gonna take me now?", I enquired.
"where ever you wanna go", the rikshawallah replied.
"how much??"
"whatever you want to give"
"how much??"
"look at the distance and you decide"
"okay"
"where shall I go now?"
"okay.Take me to the best resaurant in amritsar. I mean the best"
"I know where to take you.There is a place only locals go.Not a big place..but very good food"
"thats exactly what I am looking for"

I liked that guy. Trust was established.

He rode slowly through the city,and for 2 times I got down the rickshaw to push it.

"you smoke beedi?"
"yes"
"you eat gutkha?"
"yes"
"you use tambaku?"
"yes"
"why?"
"because, we gotta enjoy everything in life"

I laughed.

"give me a beedi"

He stopped,gave me a beedi and lit it.
I started smoking the beedi.

"Where you from?", he asked.
"hyderabad"
"is it hot there?"
"very..but not as humid"

We passed through a dome like entrance named 'gandhi marg'.

"this is hall street", he said.
"chor street?", I couldnt hear him clearly.
"no.. H-A-L-L street.chor street near railway station"
"there is a chor street?"
"yes"
"what they sell?"
"everything. not good stuff"
"will you take me there?"
"yes, tommorow"
"you work in the morning?"
"no.but if you want me to take there..I will"
"why you work in the night"
"there are 3 buses in the night"
"why not morning"
"too many rikshaws"

The dhaba was creatively named as 'punjab dhaba', and it was very busy, and at the same time looked very efficient.

I offered him to sit with me, but he refused.
I ordered a chicken biryani and chill chicken.

"where you from?", asked the waiter.
"hyderabad"
"what are doing here?"
"nothing"

He smiled.

"can you divide them in to four packets?"
"why?"
"why? because I wanna give it to my friend"
"You can take 2 packets and eat it with your friend"
"No,my friend wants to eat seperately", I rolled my eyes like a lady.

Absurdity.

Football commentators were analysing the days matches on TV.
Then I saw a girl, most probably 16 years old,coming down from the steps. She was wearing a middi, a bit too short, and her thighs pretty visible and shinging. I should say quite sexy.

she is a kid.

I dont think so.

Even if she is not a kid, she is younger to you more than a decade.You were already a man when she was born.

so? Whats your point.

nothing.



Then her mother's eyes met mine, and I shifted back to the TV.

wait!her mother is hot too.

they are washing the golden temple

why?

because, a sinner visited it today.



Rikshawallah dropped me back at the hotel.I gave him a C note and those 2 packets,and went in to the hotel.


11pm.

Took bath.No hot water.But, refreshing.

What next? What next?

I switched on the TV. NDTV.

what next? what next?

charras!

I remembered that I had left over charas from himalayas visit.

a. break a small piece and heat it up
b. make a fine powder out of it.
c. put it into a rolling paper,and roll the joint.tobacco optional.
d. enjoy.


Charras,exactly like weed, gives two kinds of highs.
Introspective high, and/or relaxing,laughing fit body high.
It depends on the mood of the charrist. (yeah,I invented the word) It also depends on the environmental conditions too.
A fellow charrist,TV, and music makes it very interesting.
The problem with charras though, is that, it makes you extremly lazy.Extremly!

My body relaxed complelty, and I could feel the relaxation from head to toe, as if a relaxing wave was passing through the body.
I felt as if someone was massing my brain.I felt very very relaxed. My mind was not doing its business of reason,problem solving or regurgating my memories. I was in the MOMENT.

Charrass is also a great natural medicine for ADHD.It slows down your lightning speed thoughts.

Thank god, its not the introspective high.

I looked at the TV.Some discussion goin on in NDTV. I wanted to change the channel,but couldnt -- I was stuck, as if someone put
fevicol on the bed.I stared at the TV for close to 15 mins.

I finally gotup in super slow motion, and changed the channel,noticed that it was a movie channel, and fell back.

I dont care.Even if it is the worst movie ever, I will watch it.
I am not getting out of this bed again.



12:30 am.

It was some govinda movie with raveena tondon and mahima chowdary. I always thought that hindi movies are shit, but somehow always liked govinda.

With that appreciation for govinda, I started watching the movie, with a thought in mind that I was completly relaxed, and that my mind was very very happy.


a girl : sir, this is maggie speaking.
govinda : bolo, this is noodle speaking.

Time stopped... as I laughed for close to 2 minutes.
I laughed soo much that I was out of breath.

This is life.I am very happy and content with my life.
This is life.Laugh,laugh and laugh.

Remember, charras only zoomsin your mood, its not a magic stick which can miraculously change your mood.

That means that I am happy.I am happy with or without charras.
I am happy and content with my life..expect for a few present and prospective bumps..what else they could be ...if the biggest tragedy in your life already happend.What kind of future tragedy could match that?



Govinda is an actor with limited range,but within the range, he is absoutely brilliant. He is the king of the slapstick comedy.
I became his big fan at that moment.

The thing with charras or even weed is that, you detect subtle emotions in people, especially when you are watching a movie.
You detect certain subtle things a great actor always do.You are able to detect it because, the duration in your mind goes slow.
In normal situations its very difficult to notice that subtely,but would notice the effect of that subtility in the scene.At the same time, you can detect the worst of acting on charras.

At that moment, Govinda was the king for me. He was the only actor in the movie, the others were just helping him out.
There was cetain ease in him which put me completly at ease.
He just slided into the character.His expressions,eventhough completly over the top, were very appropriate for the story,because the story was a farce.Big farce.Intentinally,monty pythonically farce.

Okay, I dont know the whole story as I watched it from the middle, but it goes like this.

Govinda somehow gets two wives : one city bred girl and the other village punjabi girl.No one knows about this, except govinda and his two buddies.Complications start when the two wives comes to know each other. The stuff he does, the sentimental dialogues, and the extreme lenghts he goes to keep them apart, was the stuff of comic lengendary.

When with mahima chowdary, he talks punjabish. I know how punjabi people talk and behave, so I can vouch for his authenticity.
with raveena, he acts as city bred.He has two kids,one from each woman, and they two look almost alike.

The kids comes to know about this and they stages a plan to confirm. The first kid puts an X mark under his shoes.The second kid is supposed to check it out when govinda goes to the second house.

kid : Dad,I want to touch your feet.let me take your shoes off..
govinda : acha...I dont believe it.since when you started doing this.
kid : just now, my teacher called me as said that I should respect my parents.
govinda : she called you and said that?
kid : yes, just now.

I know this is an old story with old diagoues. But govinda's over the top but ease in acting made it very funny.


Okay, the kids give 2 days ultimatum to govinda to come up with the truth.Then, govinda does something which is totally genius level. He comes up with a casette. The casette comes with a scene where he and the other non-existant govinda having a conversation in a party. they talk, they smile, they drink and are having a blast. "Hence", he says, "We already met,and we dont need to meet again...now".

Then the kids come up with a judwaa casette,and they ask why those two govindas are shaking their hands and touching each other.

Govinda is in a soup now,and before he could say anything,a new govinda comes to the house.

Shock.complete shock, not only to the govinda in the movie but also to me.

I was like...How the filmmakers are going to justify this!
Twins?? flash back??

Sometimes the moviemakers try to do something serious, but the effect is complelty hilarious.Unintentinal hilarity.


Now, the film starts to get unintentionally funny. Whenever the new govinda comes, the background score tranforms in to complelty ominous villian music. Even his style becomes a sauve, cold,calculated villianity. He does that soo over the top that it becomes super funny.

Now, the film reaches to such a mix-up, that no one knows who real govinda is,including the filmmakers.Because, both govindas try to act like other, as if it is chess move.


The truth behind the new govinda is soo stupid, that I dont want to go here.But, let me just say that it was unintentionally funny.

Total laughs : 20.
duration : 2-3 minutes.

Buy all govinda comedy movies.


1:30 am

Looked like there were no ads for that channel. As soon the movie ended, a new movie started.

The movie started with a background song, and opens up in a pooja room,which looked like one of those pooja rooms in a palace. A young woman is doing pooja, and all the others watch her as if they just orgasmed. She does pooja soo slow, as if she is waiting for the background song to end.

What kind of stupid movie is this?

Then I realised that I was not watching a movie, but a teleserial. It was as if I walked into a lions den unknowingly.

Everyone wore gaudy dress,full with jewelry, as if they were going to a party or something.There were not.

They just looked like dolls. Finally, the song ends..and...


Old woman : elder bahu, from now on this xyz kandam ki responsibility is yours..

and hands over a big set of keys to that young women.

What kind of house has soo many keys? How many rooms does that house has? is that a hotel?


Then the young women says something, which I dont remember,but,I
remember that the time stopped again..and I laughed for 2 minutes.


I think I went back to 19th century.Charras time travel.

Wait.Then starts some really omninous music with a zoomin to another woman. That woman looks sexy, but there is a sense of evil in her. She is obviouslly jealous.

As the serial progressed,I noticed that I was feeling claustrophobic, as if I was in a jail, and could never get out of the house.

How women could live like that? Whats soo exciting about living all their in that house?

Then I solved it. I not only solved the mystery of 'why women want to live that', but also the mystery of 'why people like these kind of serials'.

The reason :

People always want to live in a circle or a world, which is mostly based on their carrer or whatever work they do.They live in other worlds too, but that one particular world becomes their top priority. Their self respect, fame,everything has more importance in that world. For example, a lectures lives in the world of college and education, and for him/her that world is very important. He/She wants to be king/queen of that world.All their politics, all their struggles has direct relationship with the environment and necessities in that world.Not only they learn lessons in that world, but they do think all those lessons learnt are applicable to other worlds.Smaller the world, bigger the competition and bigger involvement in that world.

All the drama happens in the world. The stakes are always high as he/she moves up in that world, and they go to enourmous lenghts to protect their interests.

Now,this drama is what makes them alive. It is what makes them get up and look forward.

Each and every person wants to attain power and fame in that world.Drama always results from clashes between people who are in direct competition to each other. Not only participants, but also the viewers get addicted to that drama. Rumours,politics,affairs,jealousy...everything.

When a person gives too much value to 'fame' in that world, he/she tries to use people in other world to use them in his important world. Again, going to the lecturer example, he wants his kids to earn better than any of his colleagues's kids.He would be happy if it happens. He could not and would not think beyond that.

Now, because of the female oppression, women were forced to form their own small worlds, either it is a family, or street or village.Thats where she finds her happiness, and more importantly fame and power, and her direct competitors are other women.Their entertaiment comes from the drama in which they are voluntary participants. You often might have wondered why a small offhand derogatory remark effected her. Thats because, you were not able to demark and understand her world.They are somebody in this world, and they would never allow anyone to make them nobody.A husband is just a pawn in her game.

Because of the female liberation, their worlds shifted from family to work place...

In that context, I dont think I have any right to criticize these teleserials. The viewers are the audience who lives in that world, and completly knows the dynamics of that world.They understand that drama, enjoy it and anticipate it.For others, it is piece of crap, its like watching chess without knowing chess.Boring!

In essense, when i am criticising the serial, I am actually criticizing that world.Nothing else.

Granted, that I hate over-dramatics,makeup and music ..what not.
But, when a person lives in that world how would you expect her to expect world cinema techniques...and the nature of a serial is extend..extend..extend..

Expland your world, I say. When you expand your world, you are zooming out.When you zoomout, you will find that the fame in your older world has no meaning.It is just an useless relic, and you wonder why the hell you worked soo hard in that world.

But, at the same time, work becomes effienct only when your world is smaller, and at the same time, again, your work becomes monotonous, but you keep on doing that monotonous unoriginal work because of the fame and power and survival in that world.

The problem with smaller worlds is anxiety.This is because of competition. Everyone wants to be king the world.

You ever wondered how people could live in jails? They were able to live in jail because they create their own worlds, and hierarchies and policies in that world.Fame within the jail is very important for them, and that fame and power,makes them survive. You ever,again, wondered why super rich still wants to be richer? Apply my theory of the worlds.

When you completly zoomout and completly expand your world, then your world becomes the smallest and the biggest..ie your world consists of only one mind...your mind which includes all the minds.for example, buddha. Truth is a parabola.

If you think that president of the united states has a bigger world, then you are completly wrong. His world is his white house, his competitors are within washington DC. His fame within the country is important than his fame outside the country.All his policies and decisions comes from that.

Expanding your world is directly proportional to the knowlege you have.Reading, Travelling and meeting people and contemplation are all part of your expanding world. As you expand your world, you become more a generalist rather than a specialist. As you expand your world, your happiness increases, your anxiety decreases, and you become a much wholer person than an animal.

When I say specialist, I am not talking about the work you do, I am talking about the end, the boundary of your world, where you became a specialist marksmen who secures your world.

What is my world?
Can I have rapidly collapsing and expanding worlds?
Since everything is created by mind, can I create a mind space
where can I zoomin and zoomout whenever I want to, and so be effienct and also original.if it is possible, why not everyone doing it?


2:15 am

I smoked the remaining joint.As soon the serial ended,a new movie started. Its called 'shourya'.

crap movie.look at the title..soo obvious.

wait,who knows which snake..whatever..

whatever!



I noticed that the actors were not trying to act but trying to live in their characters.The pace of the movie was deliberate and in control. It looked like a well made hollywood movie.

Rahul bose, eventhough a bit self-conscioius, was very good. So was javed jaffery..and then came kay kay menon.Wow.!

Then I realised that the movie reminded me of 'A few good men'..and ofcourse it was, a remake of the same. But, it was interesting..and I realised that some people really want to make good movies..even if they are not mainstream..

Indian cinema changing???

Then I again realised that, all the present non-bollywood middle of the road movies have similar themes penetrated into the story -- The angst of the educated and liberated rich..except those of Anurag Khasyap. There is a dilemma between aping the west and being original.Because, the rich in india, unknowingly, became westernized.Now, the middle class is also becoming,knowingly, westernised, and the liberal rich is losing their identity.I guess.

Indian cinema needs something new and orginal.The change that happend/happening was/is fake and unorginal.

New and Orignal. Mind blowinly original. Suicide bomb type original.New and Original.

New and Orignal.N and O.NO

nah!



4.30 am.

The movie ended.

I had great fun, fun for 6 continous hours without even getting up.very happy and content..very happy and content.what u say?

yes.No question about that.

thanks for finally agreeing with me.



I felt thirsty and extremly hungry.I can go the extent of saying that charras must be prescribed as meds for anorexic...because it makes you extremely hungry...and your sweet tooth becomes the sweetest.

I walked out of the hotel to a street which was unrecognisable from what it had been in the morning.It was like one of those streets you see in filmnoir films. Some cycle richshaws here and there,a fire somewhere burning tyres, and a small shop supplying food at a time when every one was deep in coma,except, I guess, those students who were dreaming dreams supplied by their parents and the society.

Trigger.

They say dont follow your heart, follow money.
They say dont follow your heart;marry,get settled,and raise kids.
They say that all those people followed their heart destroyed their lives...that they are the losers.

I ask, "What life?"
I ask, "r u happy?"
I ask, "r u content?"
I ask, "what did you achieve which the so called losers didnt achieve?"

Look all around you.Look all around carefully.
All those people who are teaching us how to lead our lives..
....look at them. R...They...Happy????

All right, I am gonna listen to the society.

I will get a good job. I will put myself in the cubicle of mediocrity and boredom.

Thats not enough, right?? I need to get a GOOD job. I need to climb up the ladder in the company, stock options what not.

Okay,I do that too.

But,thats not enough..right??

Okay, I become a millionaire.

Have you ever seen a millinaire who just takes off and enjoy his life? Rare.


More money you have, more money you want.

Have you ever noticed how many millinaires do feet sewa to swamijis? Lots of them.

You know why? Because, they are unhappy.

An unhappy person,who does not try to understand his unhappiness will certainly create hurdles to others.

An unhappy person will point at you and say, " You,You are responsible for my unhappiness"

Yes, I am the trigger,but, where is the bullet?
where is the bullet?

The bullet is in that unhappy person, his source of frustrations, anxieties, and dissapointments; his childhood,his teenage, his environment, his marriage, his life.

Middle class mores.Middle class morals. Middle class hypocrisy.
I am sick of them.

India got independence in 1947. A few decades later our parents were born.

They saw poverty.They saw russia growing super fast. They tried to ape russia. Then, they saw america. They saw american movies. It became their dream to live in america.It was their dream of live rich. It was their dream to smash the wall of poverty once for all for many generations to come. Its all Maslows theory.Every godamn of it.


But, they werent able to achieve their dreams. Now, they want their kids to achieve their dreams.

We are living in interesting times. India is going through enourmous change, and we are all part of that change.

But, if that change is that of aping some other country, then we are in deep shit. We need to head a new system. I am not talking about utopia. I am talking about a change which has its foundation on new principles.

Change is constant, My friends.

Never ever listen to people whose world is smaller than yours,even if they have enourmous experience and gold medals in their world, except when you need their world's expertise.
and trust me when I say that life is not about worlds,even if it is a world ...its a very big world which encompasses lot of things and ideas.


oye! bhademiyan, controluh..controluh..

arey..leave me yaar..let me vomit..yaar

enough of vomit.It stinks

truth stinks

the truth is -- have you ever been in a 2 room rented house?
have you ever been hungry for more than a day? have you ever been in a situation where you run from paycheck to paycheck?
Then, then only you understand this society.

true, I didnt.Thats exaclty why I cant think in those terms.

but, atleast, simulate and empathize with the people who has gone through these things.

you want me to forgive them.

yes.

You gotta point.

I bought a coke and sprite, well aware that they have lots of sugar, and walked back to the hotel.

Ms.Huxley.

Damn it! Why is she not leaving me? Why am I thinking about her?
What is she doing now?

5am.

The final step in the proof of my life is music.
Charras, I fogot to tell you, makes all your senses pleasurable.
.When you are high,good music feels great, and great music feels orgasmic.

The latest music list I made had some great music. Good rythyms and some great drum beats...and bose headphones did wonders to that already great music.

Ideas formed and died. Thoughts came and gone.


Ms.Huxley.Ms.Huxley.Ms.Huxley..
where are you? What are you doing?

now,can you come out of your romantic scene, and tell me once for all who the hell this Ms.Huxley is and the story behind her.

about Ms.Huxley? I told you manytimes about her..that I met her at fiji airport 3 years back when I was going to australia..and..

thats the weirdest thing. I remember you telling me about her, but not what you told me.But, I do remember feeling that you are stupid.

stupid?

I mean in a logical and analytical way.

whatever that means.

okay, tell me again.

No.I am tired.Read it here ....later.

tell me something.Do you love her?

......

Do you love her?

I dont know. I dont know. When, after sex with her lover..

wait! a lover??

I think and hope so.I dont think she would still be single.

What?? You are horrible.

screw your morals.When, after sex with her lover, when she goes to the balcony all alone,watching the moon, and when she goes into her thoughts..and when she is thinking...I just want to hug her. When she gets up in the morning, and drink her first cup of coffee, and when suddently her day brightens..I just wanna go and kiss her, and when she has her blues or periods, or when she is alone feeling bored and sad, and when she walks through her garden of memories, I want to walk to her and tell her that my garden of memories are just beside her garden and then I want to touch her face, look into her face and tell her that I will be always there for her. And when she is going in her car, or walking, and then when she starts thinking, thiking in solitude..I wanna go to her and tell her that I too am thinking about the samething.I love that moment.I love her in that moment. I want her soul..I want that moment.Her solitude with her thoughts alone..which wouldnt be possible if I am there with her.I love her soul, the real her...and meeting her would destroy it all.

tell me something.

ask.

so soulmates never meeta?

I think so..

Why didnt I remember her even when you told me?

tell me something.

ask.

Do you remember your dreams?

no.

exactly. She is my dream girl.

5.30 am.

and I slept, and my ego went into coma, atleast for while.
is it possible to dream a dream without my ego?
How can it be possible? How can I define my reactions, and my
motivations in the dream without my ego.Its as if each and everything step I take, or perception of a scene in the dream even if I am just a viewer, comes from my ego.

am I my ego? Nothing else?


Sometime during sleep.

I dreamt a dream. I was at a beach, looking for water and waves.But there was no water..just small pools. A woman was touching me..and I was running away from her..thats all I remember.



The end.