Mind and I -- A dialogue

something triggered in my mind

u see, the trigger triggers a memory
and memory links with memories.

memories are like Australian bush fires
follows the wind and burn the shit out
the mood of the mind is the wind
your emotion is the burnt you.

it depends on the trigger anyway
bad trigger takes you everywhere
every bad thing there was



shame,embarrassments,
rejections, heartbreaks,angst,anxieties,
helplessness,hopelessness,jealousy,
oh yes...the jealousy!!
and then there is the biggest of all,
LOSS OF CONFIDENCE and
LOSING ZEST FOR LIFE.



and this loss of confidence will make you
cling like a baby to whoever it is beside, mostly, a bed and alcohol.
and even make you histrionic



okay, that's fine.Memories belong to past, and past is past.
the problem comes when the mind starts getting clever
it imagines the future, and then analyse it
based on the input of those memories



Now if the mind picks up the bad emotion and uses it as input
to analyse the future, all you get is program failure.
get it?



whole walls get built just an inch before your goal
big huge monstrous walls
even goals like walking your dog or doing your partner

and they push you into abyss
you see, the abyss comes with more abysses, u think
but there is only one abyss

that's why humans understand each other
by understanding that abyss
the abyss is lonely
the abyss is...whats the word?
it makes you a nobody
it makes you question your position in the world



when your mind digs up those memories
it is following evolutionary design
to solve a problem.
but there is no problem. that's the problem.



"you blame it on trigger, don't you, mind?", I ask the mind.

"nope. trigger is neutral.but, I am just doing my job", says mind.

"you do a shitty job though"



Silence.





I say to my mind, " I am not the same person as before"

"you are your experience"

I ask, " I am not my knowledge?"

"experience is knowledge"

I say, " Kant says otherwise"

"Kant is a cunt"

mind is he or she?



I ask her again, " If I solved those problems once for all,
why do you still bring up those memories"

" there are no good or bad memories, only memories"

"but, why do I feel sad when I remember them", I ask

"because, your philosophy is fucked"

I ask, " why don't you help if u know that?"

" All I care is your survival, only to see your seed survive,
now, you know why I make you think about opposite sex all the time..hahaha"

I plead, " my mind, my mind, I thought you are mine"

"are u ..u?

"I am my memories", i say

"if you are your memories, why do u hate them? you hate yourself?"

I replies with anger, "do you think its in my hands? the memory
comes and does it work even before I catch it"



I shout, " HELP ME"

she goes on digging up some recent memories.
suddenly, I feel happy.
Those memories brings up a skeleton of philosophy.
the philosophy says, " I am my mind and I am not my mind"
it further says that my mind is full of hierarchies
the lowest being our simple emotions which have their source in fear.
fear for survival.



the upper most is nothingness.it occupies no space, no weight, no orientation
it is nothing. the nothingness.Some call it consciousness.



The process where you TRY to make it into something is you.
oh ya, you are a process, not a thing.The process is free will.

"didn't Sartre say, " Man is free, but his freedom gives him anxiety"", I quote.

"I believe Sartre's anxiety is complex anxiety" and then she shouts, " wait! I just got a message from the hierarchies..that an Idea is forming in me"

I ask her, " which hierarchy you belong to?"

"The more we talk like this, the more I move up"
and she adds, "when I meet you up there, then, you will live in the moment,
instead of living in the past or worrying about the future. You will become you"

"I always had a problem with that moment concept. how can I catch it and analyse it?"

" you don't analyse or reason, You live it"

" some one said the same, and I said 'screw you'"

" you see, there is a reason for that moment, but, you don't live in reason, you live in the moment"

" I heard Bergson saying something like that"



"okay, whats the idea that's forming in me?" I persist.
"I can only whisper it to you, you wait till I come up there"

" How can I know whatever you going to say is the truth, how can I know which philosophy is truth?"

"LOL.There is no such thing as truth. There are no absolutes.no morals either"

"don't say that. I am waiting for that truth all my life"

"What ever works for you to find yourself, is YOUR truth"

"but people always have their truths in them,does it mean they found themselves?"

" No, most people live near the bottom of the hierarchy. they live in fear"

" So, the truths in the upper are better than the lower?"

"no comparison. those truths are there to live in that hierarchy.Does a lion survive
in the jungle if it follows your truth?"

"but I lived in that bottom before, why did I move up?"

"humans are predisposed to move up.effects of evolution.That's why they suffer"

"they suffer? but suffering is at the bottom, right?"

"this suffering is because of the complex emotions. Not all emotions are created equal."

" only humans have these complex emotions?"

"yes. and when they try to cross that suffering from complex emotion, they move up"

"So, I have to suffer to reach the top? that's depressing"

"but,but, you don't need to suffer exclusively, because, you are already suffering.everyone is"

"come on..I don't suffer"

"You say that because you fail to understand that complex emotion.When you think, when you
create, art, everything is because you suffer.Happiness is part of that"

"What?? Happiness is suffering? This is preposterous!!"

"Happiness is the expression of a complex emotion,happiness is an art the
 artist in you creates to express his complex suffering. for example, love is
 happiness, but it comes from the complex emotion
of question about existence...which precedes loneliness"

"sometimes you contradict yourself"

"Contradiction does not come from essence, but from the words and the natural inadequacy of the language"





She finally moves up to me. I feel what mind has in her mind.
but for readers sake I ask her whats the idea that formed.



" Whatever works for you to find yourself. Happiness is the indicator.
u see, the wind is my mood, but, you are not the bush, you have the
ability to do something...ie freewill.Freewill though, has its own
limits."



" So, the free will is mostly discounted will.", I become spinozastic.

" lets us be optimistic here, for humanity sake!!", mind loses her patience.


"is that the truth?", I ask.

"It is the present truth. You still have a long way to go"

" So, the above statement is the truth. The absolute truth?"

"No, its philosophy"

"avuna! So, philosophy is about philosophy.", I mutters.

"whatever!!", she mutters back.





I ask her, " you wanna go for a dinner, and then to my apartment?"

she replies with disgust, " Sorry. No mind fuck and no more coffee either.I am getting hot"

"I know you are hot", I laugh.


{after that, the ghost resting on vikramarka's shoulders escapes and climbs
 up the tree, laughing ghostly.vikramraka comes up with an expression
something along the line of "WTF!" and walks back to the tree,
as determined as vikramarka.}