In The Silence Of My Solitude - A Novel (Part 5)

                                         10.Life is a box of chocolates?

Tom hanks in the overrated and diabetic movie, Forrest Gump, says, "My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." ".

It seemed to me that my mother was saying the same, except, replace the chocolates by mysteries.Life is mysterious and a crooked line. That secret, but public diary was the proof that Life is not a straight line. We want it to be, because, we feel comfortable in a straight line as it takes the least amount of stress. But, just in order to be in that straight line, we do enormous amount of work and experience lot of stress which defeats the whole purpose. We formulate rules and regulations, notions and beliefs; to walk in that line, not only for ourselves but expect the same from others.

Hiding a diary in the guise of a pooja book was that not ingenious, but, still, it needs a certain amount of creativity and audacity to do that. Indian families never knew the meaning of privacy.Hell, even Indian societies never knew the meaning of it. Everyone wants to know about everyone.Especially, the housewives who meet in the afternoons for round-table conferences. The conferences where; facts get twisted, rumours get born, and characters get assassinated. The inspiration for British tabloids. I was once in such unfortunate conference, and I gotta tell you, I wanted to bang my head against the wall, not only because I was bored but also for the fact how their lives became so unfulfilled. Depressing!

Secrecy entices people. My Dad who encouraged me to write a dairy as kid, was caught by me reading the same. From then onwards I stopped writing it. What's the purpose?

People don't search for unhidden stuff. People don't look for boring Stuff. That was the reason behind my mothers idea of a diary. That idea worked. Because, If someone really read it, they really would have gone crazy. It was at once; a romantic mysterious horrific haikus of some sort written by an amateur. It was also something a person could come closest to the thoughts and workings of a woman's mind.

I wish I could translate the whole thing here, but some of those pages are not at all relevant to the story. I am not sure though.

In translation:

Bobby is old and not relevant? What non-sense. It is a classic.It will remain forever.

 

I saw him. Handsome guy. Not fair like rishi kapoor.I am not dimple kapadia either.Mother and father liked him too.

Dowry fixed. Marriage fixed. My life got fixed. My ticket out of this place.

He sent me a letter. It was vulgar.chi. I love him. He is my prince.

I want to dance. Why no one dances here? They show dances only in movies.

I want to hug him. Kiss him. Whats wrong in that?

Life is beautiful. I am in love. I am vey happy. Very very happy.

I am in love. Degree, college over. They dosnt matter anymore.

Nothing matter anymore. My frist love and final love. Forever. Forever.

Waiting for his secret letters. Nothing today. I feel sad. Please write me.Please.

Got his letter. Jumping up and down. Read it like 100 times. My sister laughed at me.Kid. What does she know about love? He gives me soo much happiness. I will give my life to him if he asks for it. He is the wall I am kneeling on. He defines me. I am singing bobby songs the whole day. When not singing I am dreaming. People are saying that I am becoming absent minded. I almost burnt myself. Mother laughed too. She knew how it feels like.

I cant write here what happens to my body when I think about him. It is a pooja book.My sister thinks that I am becoming more devout and religious. Dumb kid.

I wrote his name and looking at it.

My love, every minute looks like a decade

let the time run fast, let the clocks run fast

I want to see you, I want to hug you, my love.

Marriage in one week. I am feeling tense. I am afraid.

Father is talking it as prestige issue. Too much work. Too

many sarees. I love them.

Marriage was grand. Very grand. I was the queen. Every one

said that I was the most beautiful in the world. First night over too.

Why they call it first night? He gave a big lecture on first night. He wants

to know about me, itseems. He talked some english too. I didnt understand

half of what he said. He told every thing about him. I told almost everything

about myself. I am very happy to get such understanding person as husband.It was funny. He didn't follow the poojari muhurtam. Second night I became a woman. Thanks to my friends.They already told me the scene. Becomming a woman is the best thing that could happen to a woman. It was the best.

It is my house. I feel like a queen. I cleaned up the house. Decorated it.

Honeymoon in hyderabad. Very big city. Lot of people. Went to movies.

He embarass me in movies. He doesn't watch them. He watches me. Idiot.

Mother-in-law came. She complains about everything. He always supports me.

She wants a boy it-seems. How is it possible?

I read all the novels. They make me feel good.

Ladies are jealous of me. I am beautiful. Its their problem.

I am pregnant.

Feels good to be a mother. Husband,wife and son. Happy family.

He came late. He is ignoring me.

He is neglecting me. Why? Why? I wore a new saree today.

He didn't notice. I am sad. I have my kid. He became everything me.

My kanna is everything to me. I don't need you.

He brought me flowers and sweets. I am happy.

I am sad sad sad. He is not caring for me. He talks logic and science.

He convinces me in the end. How can I argue with him. How can love be

defined logically. I feel empty. I need support. My son is my only support.

He loves me a lot. My kanna is everything to me.

Why I am feeling this jealousy. Whenever he looks at other women, I feel like

killing him and myself. My blood boils.

He hurts me. He hurts my heart with his words. He is cruel.

I cried.

The college student is sight-seeing me. Why am I feeling happy when

he comes to the house.

He said he loves me. I told him to get out.But,I felt happy.

I noticed my father coming through the gate, and quickly hid the book. He was talking something, but my mind was on to something else. A college student??

A college student!! How could that be possible? How could a mother leave her son for a stupid college student. My heart was beating faster, and the mystery was killing me. My dad didn't notice all that. I looked at my dad, and thought, " I was reading about him. I was reading about this same guy, who is sitting right before me. Its weird!".

We sat before the TV, watching some crap. Everything looked crap. I was not interested in anything. I wanted to read the whole diary, it was like a sneeze and I couldn't stop it. 

" Dad, you are right as usual"

" What? Decided to get married?"

" No, you are right about  sleep"

" What about it?"

" About sleeping early!"

" I don't believe you"

" No, seriously, I wanna sleep early"

" Good night, then", he was not at all convinced.Most probably thinking about a dogs tail.

" Good night", and came to my room and locked it.

Sat down on the bed and started reading.

Some one is observing, Some one is observing us.

I told him about it. He mentioned my periods. I guess so.

No. Some one is there in the house. I can sense it.I feel it.

I can sense the smell. It is a mix of sweet and sour. Some one is in the house.

Some one is definitely hiding in the house.

 

Wait. Where did I hear that word, "sweet and sour". I remembered saying the same thing few days back.What?? What the hell?? 

" My mind didn't play games on me????"

"oh  my  god!", I exclaimed. 

I confess, I trembled a bit. 

Continued here..