27.The Lone Sailor
I returned back to my pad in Hyderabad. The black cloud of depression hung between me and my soul. I tried to remember my 'practical philosophy', but it didn't help. Some one said 'Depression is anger turned inside'. It became true in my case. I was angry with myself for not finding my mother. I blamed myself. I self-sabotaged.
I started smoking, drinking, and found some solace in masturbation. I jacked off away from my soul. I stayed at home for weeks long, only coming out for some food. The solitude turned in to loneliness, a terrible loneliness.
The fact that I did what I could did not give me any solace. That depression killed my confidence.
I am loser. I am a lazy bastard. I am dumb. I am good for nothing.
Look at the world. The world is progressing, you are digressing. Look at your friends. They are rich. They are enjoying their married life. How blissful they are!
The situation, the so-called 'reality' of the situation -- the financial situation was not encouraging either. Just had enough money to survive for couple of months. That was all. I had some options left though, one of which was to ask from my friends the money they borrowed from me.
My friends, here's where you come into my story. Please try to remember what some you had said to me. Let me recount.
'Find a job yaar'
'Hey, what happened to that guy, that guy who never cared for money'
'You are a hypocrite for asking me money'
Some of you even stopped talking to me when I insisted that you owe me money.
Then I realized something about myself, my attitude towards money -- I had a false sense of prestige towards it as I asked people money instead of demanding their return. I falsely despised money and I realized on that day that money is neutral...
Then I realized one thing -- I was being dragged to play the GAME OF LIFE --- interacting with people automatically made me a player in that game -- that It is impossible not to play that game.
Yes, I was dragged in to that game of life, and the result : Jealousy.
I became jealous of rich people, happy people, poor people, lovers, prostitutes, dogs, cats, and the even rocks. Jealousy burned me. I tried to stop it, I tried to observe my mind, but it became impossible. The sea was too rough to anchor. The lone sailor drifted aimlessly in that thunderstorm.
That night, the lone sailor woke up from his sleep. It was all dark outside, not even the stars to keep him company. A dark threatening cloud hung above him. He wanted someone -- anyone to talk to. He wanted to touch,he wanted to hug, he wanted love. He imagined his friends, his father, relatives, the strangers, the society...saying 'Who asked you to venture into the sea you idiot? Dont you think we all are happily living near the shore? We knew the risk. That risk is the situation you are in. Face the risk'. The sailor hung his head in shame, and accepted his defeat. He gave up fighting. Then he cried, he cried for the first time in a long time, with tears rolling on his face, he shouted, " Mama, where are you? Let me sleep in your lap. Just once. I need your vuyyala. I just want to find that solitude. I want that silence. Come to me wherever you are".
I looked at the cloud.It was not as fierce as it was few moments ago. It rained tears for me, and slowly it dispersed. I felt an instant relief, and my heart became light resulting in me finding my soul.
I triumphantly came out of the depression by giving up my fight against it. The sea calmed down, the storm died, and the anchor dropped, philosophy got restored, and the mind started observing itself.
I realized on that night, that sometimes I gotta give up something to get it back. I gave up the control of my mind to control it again. As soon as the confidence returned, my desire to find my mother came back in full force.
I thought that I became a new person that night as I faced the darkest night of my life and came out of it. I hypnotized myself that I became a new man...just like those millions of people who finds Jesus, who goes to swamijis and ammas, who goes to yoga centers or even people who fall in love for the first time...temporarily hypnotizing themselves that they found a new path, that their life changed forever, that a new person has been born inside,deluding themselves that they found permanent happiness and that it is never gonna leave them again. Just say something bad about their new path..trust me..the relationship is over!
I shouted at the society, at my friends, at the dogs and cats, at all those people who snickered at me during that dark hour, " I faced the storm and it passed over. Now it is coming for you, but you are least expecting it. Sorry for you, chumps. The biggest risk is not taking the risk"
Yes, I was over -confident, and over-reacted, but that statement came from somewhere deeper in my mind, a place where truth originates, at-least the truth I thought as truth.
Continued here...
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