29. I.Stand.Alone
Obviously, I didn't die.Obviously, I realized that when I woke up from my coma 15 days later, on a disgusting floor of a government hospital, disgusting even to a beggar standards.
A fat,short female nurse shouted, "You have a family? You know why you are here? Because, you are talking English.You looked like a learned man. Who are you? Are you a learned man? why are you not talking? funny man you are..you know what you were saying for all these 2 weeks?? 'I stand alone'..what is that? What happened to you? Who hit you? ".
I smiled at her.
"look at your smile", she smiled.
"What did I say when I was in coma?? Can you repeat that again?", I asked.
"You used to say I stand alone and then murmur about something..philosophy ..I guess"
"I.Stand.Alone", I said to myself.
"There you go again". She laughed.
"How many days am I going to stay here?", I asked her.
"You were supposed to be out of here many days back. But, I requested the doc. You know, I like you. But you can stay her for only one more day.Call your family mean while. I will be back".
That night, I didn't sleep at all. I didnt even try to sleep. I thought about what she said , and as to why I uttered those words. I realized that I was not in coma for all those 15 days -- I was in a dream. A dream in which a man lost his faith in humanity, making him cynical and cold hearted. An old man with a huge mustache appeared in his dream within a dream, kicked his ass and set him straight.He revealed to him the real nature of the world. He said, " You fool! Look at you! How weak you are! Your father forsake you, you friends forsake you, the humanity forsake you. You know why? Because you are not powerful. Don't you get it? You have the intelligence and capability to become a superman, but now you became into a half-man because of your fucked up philosophy. My blood boils every-time when I see a man like you screwed by the rest of the imbeciles in the world."
The man asked, " If I was powerful, would I have found my mother?"
The old man replied, "You idiot! You need that bitch because you became weak because of your philosophy. If you are strong, you don't need a mother"
The man asked again, "But, how can I make peace with my memories?"
The old man replied calmly, " A strong will needs no peace. It is above and beyond the memories".
I didn't question him. I didn't want to question him. What drove me to accept him? --- HATE. Hatred towards the world. I lost faith in the humanity. Everyone left me -- my mother,father, relatives, friends, beggars..every one. I stood alone.
I thought about the dream the whole night, and in the morning when I saw the sun rising in the horizon, I knew a new man was born in me..once again. The sun sealed the deal for me. I didn't perceive the sun as sun that morning. I saw power, I saw glory, I saw a supreme will. Oh sun, the great sun, No one can touch you.No one can even look at you. You don't need to make peace with anyone. You burn away your memories. You are above and beyond all these cockroaches. In-fact, when you burn away your memories, these good-for-nothings bastards live and survive from the resultant glory". A new man was born, a new man who didn't need to chase mysteries, or find his mother, or make peace with people or with memories. He didn't even live on earth. He was above and beyond. He said to himself," Father, you are wrong. Life is not a game. It is a war, war with the weak, the majority who wants to drag the great to their level."
"How are you doing today?", the same fat,short nurse inquired that afternoon, disturbing my thoughts. I gave a smile, and looked in her eyes. "You look fine. You look confident", she said genuinely surprised.
"Can I tell you something.... You are the most beautiful woman I have even seen in my life". I flirted with her.
There was a glow in her face as I expected. She laughed, and asked, "Who are you?".
"You got some time? Can we go somewhere private?". I implemented my plan.
I already inquired about her that morning by asking fellow patients and other nurses. she was 40, a christian, widowed, no kids, and living alone. That was all I needed. She stole a wheel chair for me, and drove me towards the canteen. "Okay, tell me now", she said.
I started my story, " You asked me 'who am I'? You know, the reason why I am here right now, and the reason for the situation I am in right now...is because I asked the same question. The riches my dead parents left spoiled me. I did lot of bad things all my adult life. Finally, one day, I realized that I was living a meaningless life. I questioned myself 'who am I'? I left everything and went in search of my soul. In the Himalayas, among all the Buddhists and sadhus, I met a pastor who showed me the purpose of my life --- to accept Jesus as my savior. After baptizing me, he advised me to go and find myself a soul mate, mandatorily the one who accepted Jesus as her savior. I searched for my soul mate all over the country...in vain. When I saw you that morning, I knew I met my soul mate"
She remained silent for a moment, and then started laughing.
"What non-sense are you talking?You are really a crazy guy".she couldn't stop her laughter.
"Well, its up to you to believe it or not. God is my witness", I interrupted her.
"Why don't you just shut up, crazy man". She was still smiling.
"Alright! At-least can you do me a favor? Can you transfer me to a better bed, and can you let me stay her till I recuperate?", I pleaded with an addendum, "What would Jesus do?"
"Sure.Will do", she replied.
I knew. She fell for it.
It took me exactly a month to convince her that we were soul-mates and one more month to convince her to let me move in with her.
For her, it was all a miracle, some kind of magic. Here she was, a 40 yr old woman, fat, short and to tell you the truth some insensitive fellas might even call her ugly...and moreover she was widowed and most importantly ..a lonely woman. She thought herself as cursed, and gave up her dreams of a romantic and secure life. And then, suddenly out of nowhere, a man came into her life, a dying man who was saved by her ...the story of such could only be read in romantic novels. A man 10 years younger to her, a learned one, enlightened one, plus a man who was born again twice....only the lord himself could create such miracles.
In the end, the word soul-mate turned out to be an empty farcical word used by desperate lovers who sees what they want to see in their partner, at least during the initial euphoria of the relationship.
I noticed dramatic changes in her after I moved into her apartment. She started to take care of herself, became confident, started to smile a bit more than the usual, and generally behaved in such a way as if she finally found her happiness. She also become extremely pious, and dragged me to church every Sunday. As far as she was concerned, my existence in her life was a proof for god's existence.
She pampered me in such a way no woman would pamper a man in any kind of relationship.I have to tell you that I have never experienced such kind of comforts in my life..its not the materialistic comforts per se, but the way in which she debased herself to make me comfortable, her almost slave-like service to the master...that was something unique in my life. Moreover, she didn't ask anything in return, all she wanted was my existence in her apartment.
Her devotion to me was not about sex either, as I already told her my firm 'belief' that sex outside marriage is a sin, conscious of the fact that I was giving her hopes about marriage. But, she never broached the subject of either sex or marriage, almost as if she didn't want to change the status quo. Her situation was like that of woman who has a costly diamond securing her financial future, but seldom wears it from the insecurity of getting robbed.
I myself behaved like a perfect gentleman -- boosting her ego by praising her beauty, flirting with her, and making her feel wanted and I never even once hurt or made her cry. We soon become the perfect couple in the history of coupling.She displayed me to her friends as if I was her Olympics gold medal, surreptitiously checking up on me to break up the conversation the moment she thought there was a mutual attraction developing between myself and her female friends.
After 6 months of that relationship, after I completely recovered from the physical trauma, I have to add though ---- there was NO emotional trauma to recover from,...I proposed to her in a christian way just like they show in Hollywood romcoms. You should have seen her -- a 40 yr old short fat not-so-visually pleasing woman jumping up and down in her nurse dress -- the money shot of those sappy happy-tears scenes in the same romcoms. Infact, her life itself became a movie which fulfills the romantics dreams of middle-aged women...on the screen. She was on the top of the world.
Marriage date was fixed, and arrangements had been done. She borrowed money to the tune of 5 lakhs for the marriage, and spent almost 1 lakh on her shopping itself. She giggled just like a teenage bride when she tried her wedding gown. On the night before the wedding, I kissed her and told her that I was the most luckiest man in the whole world for having her as my wife, and I promised her I would take care of her for the rest of my life. That poor woman sobbed like a baby, she wanted to say a lot....but just uttered 'I love you soo much', 'thank you ..thank you', ' I will do anything for you'...and then hugged me, and even before her tears dried up, she fell asleep.
In the morning, her 6 0'clock alarm might have woken her up, and having found her bed empty, she might have called my name, and then she might have knocked on the bathroom, searched for me in the balcony, and then calmed herself saying that I might have gone to the shop to get my newspaper. And then, after waiting for an hour or so, she might have called someone, and then in extreme anxiety she might have opened her side drawers only to find 4 lakhs she had kept there.. missing. Then realizing what had happened, she might have broken down, shouting hysterically with her disheveled hair, feeling lonely.....and finally going into depression the same way I had gone exactly 7 months prior to that.
Something else happened 7 months prior to that : I had gone INSANE.
Continued here..
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