29. The Pond
What are you thinking, My dear Friends? Are you disgusted by me, and disgusted by yourself for rooting for me all this time? Or, Have you come to conclusion that I am just making it all up, and that it is impossible for a character to behave in such a way, that too a character which gave lectures on love, humanity, consciousness, and what not, a character which declared proudly that he has the ability to understand himself and others?
If that is the case, let me just say that you are ignorant of this thing called mind, and laws that govern it.Let me also add that it is an act of self-preservation which makes you feel that you are better than me, putting yourself in the camp of virtuous,cultured,compassionate group.
So, let me ask you this? Have you ever broken someone's heart? Simple question right? During those times you rationalized yourself that it was the right thing to do, haven't you? Just remember that moment, those times; the pain was too much, wasn't it? It was almost as if you were compelled to do it. Then, you took a decision, but was that decision really your decision? or the result of the laws of human mind?
A mind is a pond. Emotions are those waves of disturbances, and the thought is their source. The laws of the pond, whatever they are, are designed for only one purpose : To maintain peace in the pond. It will do anything to counteract those waves, and the only way to do it is to change the very nature of the pond, where the waves are not waves anymore, and the thought which produced the waves becomes impotent.
The nature of the pond is nothing but the philosophy of the mind at that particular moment. Knowledgeable or not, ignoramus or not, the nature of every mind is to find a solution for its chaos. There is no good or bad in the realm of mind. There is only right thing. Every man at any moment is doing the right thing at that particular moment. Every moment is a perfect moment, and there is no escape.
Are you the pond or the child playing near the pond?
If you are not that child, then keep your judgment glasses to yourself, and let me judge myself.
My judgment : I had gone insane, not of a clinical one, but a moral one. I became the king of the narcissists. The pond changed its nature to preserve, and that process was out of my control.
The train bound to Hyderabad on which I escaped with my 4 lakhs of rupees after systematically breaking the heart of a poor woman, stopped somewhere in madhya pradesh in the middle of night as if to say to me that we were both at a safe distance from Delhi, from the scene of a horrible moral crime. The man who played god got down from the train to relieve himself in the nature.
It was dark outside. I felt a sense of bonding with that darkness, as if it represented my mind.A thought of guilt passed over the horizon like a shooting star, and died down. No, it didn't die, it was killed by the philosophy, by the newest operating system I installed in my mind. All those emotions of empathy,sympathy, compassion and love, became viruses to that system, and it had good security mechanisms to protect itself from the intruders.
I was one among those super-men who went through hell to realize the truth.The truth that the weak but fox-like cunning humans invented those concepts of compassion only to bring these super-men down. The super-man, the lion, realized that, and he had nothing but contempt for these foxes. The super-man escaped from the clutches of the morality the weak had imposed on him.Nothing could bother that super-man anymore, not even his own memories; he knew what he wanted, he knew the purpose of his life. All he wanted was power....by any means necessary.
His experiment of playing-god gave terrific results. First, he selected a weak human, found her vulnerability, and played the game. He patiently waited for 6 months for the fruition of that experiment. Every moment during those 6 months, the thought of playing god pushed him. He didn't see a person in her -- he saw the whole humanity her - the humanity which is the scum of the universe. The same humanity which was full of weaklings like his mother, father, relatives, strangers,beggars .. who tried to make him suffer, who stood between him and his potential. Now, he realized his potential, and the experiment proved to him that he can play god only if he rejects the morality of the society.He also realized that given a chance, even these weaklings want to play god, but they cant,just because they are weak. Even his father,who lectured him about life as a game, he himself was a weakling. He gave too much respect to the weakling society, and that was why unable to burst open through the mediocrity.
I hit the humanity at its sweet spot -- its vulnerablity -- Love. I used the same concepts these weaklings taught me to keep me down. What a revenge!
There was no guilt, no moral obligations, no mandates. I felt free. Freedom finally!
I wanted power --- that was all. That motivation drove me. Arjuna looked at the mango, only at the mango, not at moral leaves, or at the judging branches. Arjuna, arrow,mango. That was all.
30. Success Is Easy
Millions of weaklings greeted me as soon I stepped out of my train into the great city of Hyderabad. Yes, they were all weaklings,the smelly cockroaches, rats about to be trampled by the super-man. They just talk, talk and talk..I am going to do this..I am going to do that..and all that. They read self-help books, philosophy books, religious books...so that they can talk and talk more. They look at the richest man on the planet..and say..hey he is my idol..I wanna become like him..I will be him. But they can never become what they want to become..because they are weak. As simple as that.
One of the characteristics of these weaklings is jealousy, that's what they thrive on. Weakness begets jealousy. Whenever a potential super-man escapes these weaklings, they burn with jealousy. They will do anything to bring him back to their level. For a moment, jealousy unites all these weaklings making them powerful. That is why, the super-man needs to be careful, he needs to understand these weaklings first. He should show his potential at the right moment, and he should escape only when he reaches the escape velocity. The super-man needs patience.
This jealousy of these weaklings is strong only when the super-man is in sight. But, once he reaches his escape velocity, and reaches the stars and become a star himself, that jealousy turns into slavery. He becomes their idol. He becomes their master.
The super-man should also understand that these weaklings are not moral, even-though they talk morality. He should be very careful with the trap they set. They are also sentimental fools, ignorant of the fact that behind their sentimentality is a desire to survive. They delude themselves that their relationships with others have a deeper meaning, conveniently forgetting the fact that they started all these relationships with a objective of a need to be fulfilled. Most of them are delusional, conditioned to believe in god, taught to prostrate before him, and beg him.
I, the super-man, studied these cockroaches. Yes, it was hell to live with them or talk to them, but I was patient...just like I was patient for 6 months with that nurse...
What is power? Power is the ability to achieve a goal in least amount of time. The difference between others and me was that power itself became my goal -- I defined power by power itself. What is the goal of the sun? Its goal is to exist powerfully, and I became the disciple of that sun.
I applied for jobs in information technology, as I had a masters in that subject; got selected in one of those companies which rents out cheap labor to myriad of companies in look out for cheap labor in third world countries. The first rule to understand in order to grow is the system of hierarchy : Boss,big boss, bigger boss, the ultimate boss. The second rule is to understand that every person in the organization is a self-hating fool in want of some praise to feel better about himself. Knowledge of the system and human psychology.
Following these rules, within 6 months, I reached a position where I was able to command close to 100 employees under me. I bought an apt, and then bought a girl friend.
The shallowness of my girlfriend amused me to no end. I didn't want deep thinkers, because I knew a thinker would find me..would find my hatred of the humanity. All she wanted was to shop around, going to parties, and showing off.
What can I say about these shallow people? They shop, party around,get drunk and get fucked, and in the night they hug you and cry; making you wonder what has happened to the same jollybean? Shallow women has a very limited understanding of themselves, and unable to face the confusion in their minds they try to run away from themselves finding some solace in the material things. But, in the night, they breakdown, holding their lover asking him if he loves her or not.
The stage had been set for me to conquer the world. I had a great job, money, and a sexy girl to fuck. I was waiting for the right time to back stab my own CEO and grab his position.
Then the night mares started.
Initially, I lost couple of hours of sleep, and then I began to dream whole nights..vivid dreams. During the day, I was in control of myself, with my philosopher, with my motivation to conquer the world; but in the night while asleep, How can I be in control of myself? I dreamt about mother, about that creature, about some one getting raped brutally, and when I looked a that person..it was me. I dreamt abt a child getting murdered, a beast eating a man, the woman beside me becoming in to a centipede.
The dreams became so vivid that I began to believe that they really occurred. I went to doctor, got myself a few sleeping tablets, but they worsened the dreams. I began to dream of beasts with huge bodies and strong wings, flying all over the moonlighted moors.They flew towards me, and when they approached.. I saw myself in them.
The dreams became soo horrible that I dreaded my own sleep. I started to drink zillion cups of coffees every night to ward away the sleep. My day and night became living hells.
On one night, I locked myself in the bathroom, and I shouted to myself : I am great, I am awesome, I am invincible. It didn't help, and the obviously not so invincible character I created seemed to be slipping away from me.During one of those nights, after showing myself to throat pain, I sat in the balcony and started watching the moon.
"What are you looking at?", my GF asked.
" Looking at the moon", I replied.
"What there in the moon? It will there tomorrow too.It wont go anywhere".she declared.
The beauty is all around us, but we take it granted, and refused to enjoy it. That thought of beauty lead me to the thought that the anchor of philosophy I had, the character I created was slowly melting away from me, as if to say that it is not the real you. You are something different.
Then, the itch started, on my wrist; and then it soon became numb, forming into a white patch within a few weeks.
I just ignored it.
Continued here..
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